July 13, 2009

the torture garden



would it be harsh to call you uninspired? i won't forget the day that god gave up and tried to retire and when the stars came out, i watched them shine but the world just kept on spinning i'm not a classy kind of guy and maybe i was wrong but i'll insulate my words tonight maybe i was right all along what's your name? tell me, what's your sign? the pillow camped on my doorstep won't be safe for me tonight and maybe one last drink is all i need to make the goldfish in my head stop swimming and when the sky comes crashing down you can hide under my bed if you prove to me that you've earned your place there earned your place right here








July 09, 2009

cinderella's big score


Last night some weather front came through just when i went to bed. All hell broke loose, temp dropped, gusty winds, but no storms that i could see. i slept like crap, and was in a lot of pain. i wonder if there is something else going on with my hip, as that was a big cause for my lack of slkeep. I had the stabbing pain in my left calve and ankle, but usually i can fall asleep with those. And here my nephews will be over today, i am not in the mood.







July 07, 2009

Positive



A friend of my boss gave me an assortment of furniture and appliances that she didn't need because she was moving into a furnished condo. I scored a bigger refrigerator with a working freezer, a washing machine, and a kitchen table with a couple chairs. All nice stuff, the lady has good taste. So after more than a year, I rediscover how great it is to be able to make your own ice cubes. Especially in this beastly summer humidity. Get me a Slap Chop and my kitchen will be all set











July 05, 2009

Push



Title: Future In Her HandsAuthor:Fandom: Merlin BBCPairing: Morgana/Arthur, one mention of Gwen/ArthurSpoilers: From 1.08 onwards, this story goes off on a tangent, but there are still some slight spoilersRating: PG-13Word Count: 1626Disclaimer: I don’t own Merlin BBC or the folktale from which it’s based. Summary: Morgana finds out about her future, and how she became to be Morgana Le FayAuthor's Notes: I essentially tried to “re-shift” the legend back. So this is a story on how Morgana becomes a sorceress and Camelot’s enemy. Ignore how the crappy bits. Oh no wait, that’s all of them… Morgana has horrible dreams.Dreams of ransacked castles, screaming children, burning flesh. They come sporadically. Sometimes one after the other, thick and fast, repetitive, relentless. Other times not for months. She has come to fear them because she does not understand them. However that does not stop her from hazarding a guess. One that if proven true will bring her more pain than freedom.It’s easy to brush them off. Surely dreaming of your favourite type of cake being presented to you on the eve of your birthday is simply anticipation. Hardly a premonition. No, she is not a prophetess or a witch, and any dream suggesting otherwise is merely a coincidence. Dreams are the arbitrary twistings of everyday images to form a pointless story. This is repeated in every book, and further affirmed by Gaisus’ kind words of reassurance. And for now she’s content with these half truths and her own denial.So when her nightmare comes to life she is aghast. Sophia is painfully real. Her warm skin, clear eyes, sharp wit all point to her undeniable existence. It’s like watching monsters from a picture book leap off the page before her very eyes. Morgana’s dreams have never ever been so physically close to her. Although this isn’t the first time she’d dreamt of another human being, they’d generally been nameless faces. Crying peasants, dead watchmen, generic soldiers. People far away from the safe haven of Camelot. Gaius sooths her worries with empty words, but Morgana remains nervous. She can’t fight that feeling, the one in the pit of her stomach, running through her very veins. Something terrible is going to happen, unless she can stop it.Anxiety built up from the sight of Arthur’s fleeing back dissipates at his surly frown as he recounts his tale of fake elopement. He rushes quickly through the details, claiming not to remember them, and Morgana obliges with an I told you so. They’re a half hearted attempt to put the past behind them. She teases both his weakness for pretty women and his physical inability to overpower Merlin, but as she leaves Arthur’s bedchamber, her knowing smile falls from her face. She’s no longer smug, but insecure. That was too close. If Merlin hadn’t knocked Arthur out, where would he be now? Somewhere east of the river, a bloated bug eyed body to be found a month later in some poor fisherman’s net? Morgana can’t rely on Merlin, Gaius, Uther or Arthur himself to help her. She can’t expect men to assist her with just an elegant wave of her hand. She has to be strong and leave the comfortable known behind for the murky depths. For the first time that night, she welcomes the dreams. Pours the concoction into a vase of lilies, and invites the nightmares to come. The fear, the pain but also the truth. The night ahead is perilous, and she wakes up with a scream.Yet, from them she discovers many things. They are not always unpleasant. Not always hunger stricken villages and sick children. Her dreams present to her another reality. Sometimes she sees plentiful harvests, rain after a three year drought, flowers in bloom and it’s these dreams that awaken her with a wistful sigh and a knowing smile. But perhaps the greatest knowledge is that the future is liable to change. She does not see battlefields littered with dead bodies as an approaching reality but a warning. The images do not taunt her, but whisper to her and only her. The future is wonderful, because it has not happened yet, and Morgana feels empowered. She alone has the ability to control tomorrow, bend it to her will and sow the seeds of today.Subsequently she tentatively tries her hand at magic. For hasn’t she already proven to be naturally predisposed? It’s little things from a small forbidden book bought under the cover of darkness. In fact it’s less of a book and more of a brochure, designed for the aspiring magician, back when magic was legal. It does not instruct one on how to best split the world in two, or how to bring the sky crashing onto one’s shoulders contrary to popular belief. The booklet only provides Morgana with easy small spells on moving objects, multiplying them, and morphing them slightly, but it’s a start. A glorious start. Not before long though, Morgana seeks out more spells, everywhere she imagines they might be. In old abandoned libraries, among the druids. Moving brooms just aren’t enough, and the power of manipulating objects, having them listen to her is intoxicating. Magic itself is intoxicating, the feel of magic teeming underneath her fingertips always sends tingles up her spine. It brings her new found confidence, not only in her beauty, but now in her skills. She’s no longer the king’s ward, available to the highest bidder or the little girl too big for her boots, whining to fight with a sword too heavy for her to hold. Morgana has her own niche now, and it suits her perfectly. So it doesn’t come as a surprise to her when she pulls Arthur Pendragon, future king of Camelot (that she knows for certain) into a dark corner, and kisses him with the force of two colliding canon balls. It’s more than a little rough, and both of their lips sustain heavy injuries, but it’s liberating, and a perfect climax to her own little love story. He’s appropriately surprised, and for a horrifying second his fingers catch at the material on her hips as if to push her away. To remind her of her stupidity, to ignore the game they’ve been playing. But they only pull her in closer, and she sighs, granting his tongue entrance, his heart admittance, his soul acceptance. It continues on for a little while. Their own dance around a fire of feelings. His eyes flit to hers during festivals, not with the gentle look of a dreamer, but with the spark of carnal knowledge. Arthur doesn’t declare to his knights he’s sleeping with the love of his life, and in turn Morgana doesn’t whisper to her ladies in waiting of her impending nuptials. It’s a secret, a secret without meaning to be one, another something for the just the two of them. They both know which path they’re heading towards. He’ll ask his father for her hand, Uther will beam with pride, accept his offer, and she will become Queen of Camelot. Morgana’s begun to quite like that title now. The way it sounds, the implications it brings. Gwen was right. She was meant to be queen. To rule. Nothing else can compare, and she can’t remember if she ever wanted anything else, but Morgana knows with unassailable confidence that it’s what she wants now. Arthur’s crowning ceremony brings joy. The whole city celebrates at the promise of a better future, led by a better king. A wonderful world where speech is free again and magic no longer forbidden. Morgana has been practicing her magic secretly, preparing for the day she can show the kingdom her great art form, protect them for incoming danger with her gift. And perhaps she’s a little too eager. Perhaps sometimes she wishes for Uther’s death. It begins as an absentminded thought, born from a fit of anger. If only he were gone. A shocking thought Morgana reprimands herself for even thinking, but a true one. Life would be easier without his narrow views, his strict “moral” codes. Besides, Arthur would be better by far. She knows that, the country knows that, history knows that. It’s dark outside, the candles lighting the corridor flicker and the all too familiar tingle alerts Morgana’s senses to the magic in the air. Not the kind she can create with an intense stare, but the kind Arthur evokes teaming with tales of possibility. The night is silent for a moment, before quick footsteps and the sweep of a red cloak against stone breaks the soundlessness of her own breathing. In an instant his arms are around her waist, mouth, desperately searching for her lips. She’s pressed against the cold limestone wall, hands struggling to free the cumbersome cape, lost to his caresses and the most beautiful sound she’s ever heard. I love you.It’s still dark when Morgana awakes with a jerk, sitting bolt upright in bed. Arthur groans somewhere to her left, his hand subconsciously searching for her, any part of her to hold, and settles for her upper thigh. He sighs, and the balance in his world has been restored again, but the warmth and security of his hand does nothing to ease her mind. Her dream has left her cold, chilling her to the core. She gasps for breath and waits for the world to turn back to the way it’s suppose to be. Morgana dreams, not of flourishing barley fields or dead carcasses floating in stagnant water. This dream, nightmare, is much worse. The torches are lit, the grand hall decorated in the customary gold and red. People are merry, their unmistakable voices of delight carry far, far away. No immediate danger threatens the kingdom’s happiness and everything looks and feels perfect. Uther stands, hair slightly greyer, stomach slightly larger. He beams with pride, and the teaming anticipation of the crowd manifests itself in an intense buzzing. The light seems brightest at the grand table, to the right of Uther. Uther clears his throat, and begins: “To my son, Arthur and his new wife. May they live a long and prosperous life with many children”. The crowd murmurs in universal agreement as they raises their glasses, and repeats in unison:To Prince Arthur and his Queen, Guinevere.Something terrible is about to happen, and Morgana doesn’t even know if she can stop it.






July 03, 2009

Unafraid to linger



Dunno why now suddenly having bad headache...So dun feel like blogging much..... Hmm....Today went out with kenneth... Den meet TT to pass TT something.... Den come home...... Tml school.....










July 01, 2009

Perfume



We have two trees outside our doorstep. I bought a dress online a week ago and i was wondering why i hadn't received it yet, so on Tuesday when i step outside the house for the first time in 48 hours i spotted a grey package in one of the trees. The post person must have given up on the trek to our doorstep and dumped it in the tree. I was not impressed, especially as their is only a couple of steps that are between the tree and the letterbox/doorbell.








June 28, 2009

Further



I hope, you get the message. Tomorrow's the start of the last semester in school, I hope everything goes well in this sem, and I hope that nothing will go wrong, be it my studies or my friendships, I am really thankful for the people I've met and for the friendship we all have, because without them, part of me wouldn't be me today, esp Minxue, Ernest, Lilin, and Kahyarn, though we've all hated each other so much, but through it, I've learnt so much from them. To be honest, I'm really not feeling alright, all about how to do well for prelims, and then to the real big O, the mixed feelings and all, Sunday service restrictions, I really wished that I could be closer to God that way, but it seemed like I can only be closer to God through bible reading at home, and prayers, for the next 19 more sundays to go, before Os will be over. I hope I'll just become stronger during these four months to come, manage my emotion well though I've got almost no faith in myself, afterall, it's been almost three years, and close to four years with the girls, plus my new found best mates in school, aw. . . God, I know You'll be there for me, strengthening me, giving me light, helping me to live by faith, and not by sight, to have love, patience, goodness, kindess, faithfulness, self-control, gentleness , joy, and peace.








June 26, 2009

Steam



i may not know about any of that buisness with dear landlord's new cd but i'm still stoked stoked stoked on this damn 7 inch. i'm going to fucking freak out on high fives, oh my god. minnesota is so soon! i'm trying to figure out how i'm getting home still. if i can find a reasonably close twon to effie then i'll bus it, scary as that sounds, but i might have to fork over the 220 for a return flight out of hibbing... boo hibbing. stoked about shakespeare in the park when i get back! the merry wives of windsor, texas, motherfuckers!








July 12, 2008

No means no

My heart is beating faster and my breaths are shalow. And in my dream, your birth month would affect the results of an STD testablished I think my mind is telling me that the sexual relationship with DC is a bad idea. For $50,000: Would you let someone drop you off in the middle of nowhere with no map, compass or any possesions? Who would you like to be, dream self or real self? Name 3 people in history, living or dead, you'd like to have lunch with?

How would you like to die? Name 3 famous people you'd like to have fantastic sex with? The current population of the world is 6,388,971,752 people.

Taking a fairly standard assumption that males make up roughly 49% of world population, that places their number at approximately 3,130,596,159.






June 15, 2008

Warpshire

This could cause problems and confusion: however, part of the hazing ritual involved when you come onto my staff is a humiliating nickname, as well as getting certain vital editorial style manual rules tattooed on your ass, so I guess that's problem solved right there. I should also apologize for this email coming out of the blue. It just makes it harder to take when God gets a running start and kicks you square in the nuts. What do you guys make of all this? When I come here for the weekend, it's always inevitable that at some point, there will be nooky. At least it's nice and cold nowadays, that's always good.






June 08, 2008

The only one i know

Why wait any longer for the one you love?
What is Love? I'm allergic to soap, but if you mean the shows, then prolly Mary's Place.... lol, half of you don't even know what that is. And if you give it half a chance...
Yet, the money and job stability just doesnt seem to be happening with this person, and you are not too sure it will ever be great? How are you going to have a successful family?
Gee, my heart is really breaking for your family illnesses, relationships gone awry and the fight with your own personal demons. My dad is a really smart man.. he was accepted to William and Mary when he was a senior in high school.. but he is getting older now and i really think he is starting to lose it. Can't be bothered typing much but this is really cute and 1 of the 2 part Pin Up Toons series. I see the future in your eyes / Why was I searching so long when you were there the whole time? There are many flavours of Judaism, just as there are many flavours of Protestantism, and since this was our first time attending a reconstructionist synagogue I wasn't exactly sure what would be appropriate to wear.






June 05, 2008

You'll find a way

Memory is a tenuous thing, like a rainbow's end or a camera with failing lens. Sometimes my focus is sharp, every detail clear as th splashes of ice, fringing th eaves; other times it is a hazy field of frost, like the meadow outside my window. My Ipod died on me just when an angel gave me 800 new songs t upload. There is this thingamajig which looks rather fondly like nose shit stuck in th hole where my earpiece should go. And i feel like a mom bringing my not so intellectual song t th hospital t get that pencil stuck in his ear out.






June 01, 2008

Mushaboom

As I was fixing myself a drink I heard a voice. And I will follow my faith, to a much higher road................ And though they may not stop, I will no longer take them in............ It wasnt funny though! And I WILL burn off all the calories if I have to stay there for three hours.






May 29, 2008

The riddle's standard

Where is all the holly jolly attitude coming from? And shes getting older and these are going to be the years where she needs us. I tried my luck with Aaron, my best friend for four years throughout primary school, and delivered the letter personally into his letterbox. At last I re-connected with the friend I was hanging with when I wrote that entry.
I know these things about myself, and I warn the people in my life, and I try to be clear about letting people vent if they need to vent without getting feedback or advice from me.... but for fuck's sake, I'm one of those friends who will tell you you're being an asshole if I think you're being an asshole. The flavor of which - is up to her.
Do your friends know about it?: Yes. If anything, I have dissed other people in my life like the Boy and my best friend L.





May 25, 2008

Red alert

Red was screaming through her self-imposed gag, and pushing back hard against my thrusts.

It was less than an hour since Red had picked me up and already I was hard as fucking diamond and as for her, I thought the poor girl was going to start climbing the walls of the car. That's one way to keep warm in a house that is always fucking freezing, I guess...

All Im asking for is a little tiny room in their new big spacious house. I of course approve of Colonialism & Cntrol, since punitive expeditions and crusades are the only way to keep Natives and Los Foreignji in line, to keep them from trying to overturn the bases of the wealthy, secular, libertine culture I'm fond of and/or aspire to. We continued to watch the sunset, and revisited the topic of colonialism and its aftereffects in Hawaii, in sort of a rambling fashion. We climbed into the truck wrapped in towels, and stopped at a lookout point just up the hill from Olowalu to watch the sun set. Stay in until the evening, when it'd be a nice warm evening to go out to the pub.

Some of the best musicians, singers, actors, dancers, ball players, and preachers in the state had come from the city of Absanie.

Watching the first few letters of the alphabet go by while you're stuck in the middle.






May 21, 2008

The return

Who heard about the $25,000 sundae? Or the $175 burger? If you have, then I trust you share my amusement. Though you can't help but be curious as to what makes such usually simple foods, so expensive. The sundae includes a golden spoon (18k if I remember correctly) and a diamond and gold bracelet that you can keep after you finish with the ice cream that includes gold leaf. Very expensive neh? Though I'm just curious about the taste. I mean, sure, very nice ingredients with different types of rare chocolate from all over the world, but does it taste as expensive as it's priced? Anyway, I believe I will continue my rant on food another time because I have found something more important to talk about... -- Koby's Message: Yeah, he's that Sandy. He's pretty hot, huh. Me: HELL YES! xx






May 18, 2008

Pandemonium

Just letting you know I care... He was probably 19 and never could legally drink and talk about it, so he let all of us know just how drunk he got off of his five Red Bulls and Vodka. We never get to talk these days, and she always seems to catch me when I'm logging off or just in a generally foul mood. Can you all just come and live here? Just live and prosper, jumpy one. And when I called her last night to tell her my good news?

He sells a few bottles to tony restaurants in Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York, and gives cases of it to friends like Oprah Winfrey and Steve Martin.

I guess he did a 1 night stand with her, and she was feeln' that.





May 14, 2008

You wish

Please leave me a note if you're confused about who anyone is.

What makes you better at it than anyone else? What is the most important thing to you in a relationship?

I'll be 19 in about 3 weeks, go me! And the Pi Kaps did much better, it seemed they got about 8-10 guys. What about Kevin? Your in a relationship of 5 years and your mate cheats on you.

It was cold and rainy, the sky clouded over and grey, no going outside without a coat on.

I wouldnt want to let you leave without finishing the job.

The job?

It is the soldier who salutes the flag, serves beneath the flag, whose coffin is draped by the flag, who gives that protester the freedom to abuse and burn that flag.

The background image is part of a painting called Higher Calling by Carter Goodrich which graced the cover of the Aug. Kids, don't try viewing this at home without Netscape 6 or IE 4.5+, a screen resolution of 800 X 600 and the font Mead Bold firmly ensconced on your hard drive. This template is a riff on a design by the truly talented Quinn.








May 11, 2008

Here I am

Happy Mothers' Day :) Went Bugis with family today. Tried The Soup Spoon and it was... not what i'd expected. Haha. Mine was some Velvety Mushroom Spaganoff. Their soup are all really thick, so thick that it made my mouth full of the taste. Quite fan3 wei4 actually. Lol. Shopped around after that while waiting for my Dad to reach. And after some time, had dinner at Sakae Teppanyaki. Not bad, really full. Two rounds of pool near the DHL balloon and home. Black ants everywhere. Hahaha. Pictures up soon, some device problems. Why are Children's Day and Teachers' Day holidays, but not Mothers'/Fathers' Day? Aren't our parents more important and noble? Back to square one.






May 08, 2008

Movement

so i awoke w/3 cats sleeping on me... not a horrible way to wake up, until the biting started. jake works a short shift today. good thing b/c we have to go get my mother's day gift. good thing that we still had last years cards left-over, since they didn't get sent out due to the whole moving back across the country-thing. we have a consultation w/ an eye surgeon soon. grrrrrreat. can be nothing but good news. as always. i mean, don't get me wrog, i'm not being an angerball, i just want to not see 2 of everything. look at me, i'm posi. woooooooo. i'm pretty excited about prince caspian, even though i was totally bored by the book 15 years ago. why? b/c i'm a fucking girl! i liked all of the other chronicles of narnia, but that one was boring! oh yeah, god god god, i love god. (that was for c.s.lewis) so,jake and i actually talked this morning about politics. we're such an adult-married couple. i still haven't decided what side of the conversation i come out on...it'll come. i miss the 'fight club' poster that 6 and holman took from me. //they learned no compassion from their anguish. thus their suffering was wasted.// i totally want to go to the drive-in this year. we should see prince caspian there. things and things. //hell ain't nothing lasting forever, hell is change.//





May 04, 2008

Preserve thy loneliness

Recent Links... There's no ghosts left. But there was never a sequel to RTW. Thus, height and weight are usually stated in inches and pounds, but everything else is metric. There's my apology. In Lahaina there are, John claims, no more frustrated Fuhrers laying down the law; part of the deal is that he is the studio manager, has the final word, and can use the facilities for whatever he wants when the studio is dark. For the price of a plane ticket, I can, theoretically, go loll on the beach in Maui and then head to the studio for a relaxed recording session... This morning John, my friend and musical collaborator for the past seven years, left for Maui, where he will be managing a studio in Lahaina. As the sun rose over the rooftops and our conversation continued, I shrugged off any uncertainty I had felt and decided to accept what I seemed to know.








May 01, 2008

Freedom is freedom even if it looks like a ghost

But I want her to have her freedom too. I want us to be safe but im worried there is no real safe place anymore.
As they laid there and the movie came to an end, they began to talk about random things. Those stereotypical guys types that talk about how women are all emotional and they talk to much about feelings and stuff like that? We split 3 pitchers of beer, which is about 6 beers each and ate dinner. I saw about 20 minutes of it, and in that time they aired Alanis Morissette's You Oughta Know, which is a song I have liked much better since it stopped being so popular, Kelly Osbourne's Papa Don't Preach, a pretentious and arty video by Sonic Youth, and this one. And that really sucks, because they are one of the top chapters of their fraternity in the entire nation. Yup, Eldest Son, Daughter and Hubby are all sleeping in the great frigid outdoors. Then there is the dual fear of going out and finding that other job. Its just then that the boy draws you in and makes his own mutterings about what a beautiful place this is, how hes happy to be there with you, and he says, I have an idea You look over and out of nowhere hes down on his knee.







April 27, 2008

Hunter

Then we hit the Cassiar highway, or rather, it hit us. We still get the occasional whork-festablished but believe me, it's WAY better.

So it's the first day of Kitty Cam'ing, what have we learned? So here's mine and what it means to me. So, until we get it on, our conversations seem almost a little banal in nature because we haven't taken care of what we really should have in the beginning! I guess because I realize that we want totally different things and though the times we have together are amazing, we can't both be happy.

Isn't it lame how a lot of my entries seem to be talking about DiaryLand a fair amount? I have not worked out hardly at all, and when I did, it stressed me out even more because I don't think that I will be able to be ready for the Homecoming 5K in 3 weekends... I think sometime today Ill work on learing how to make my own desktop themes. Search the body and theirs no hole....

When everyone had left, we stayed to swim and slide and soak in the hot tub.

If a social science class mislabeled something according to your faith, would you correct the teacher/t. a./professor aloud during class, or voice your objections quietly during the break? Obviously my mom had a huge impact on my life; and of course not only by joining the class for lunch one day nearly fifteen years ago. Of course none but me knew that the racket had already broken, or that he was just having a bit of fun.








April 24, 2008

Aftermath

In order for me to proceed here at my work, I must admit that I am not deaf, and no matter how hard I try to fit in here, it won't work because I don't really fit in anywhere. Like Sara, I am n outsider, or at least, unable to join deaf culture because I am not deaf. Deaf culture is something extremely exclusive, and if you lack the necessary skills to communicate, you'll be able to understand it. I didn't do much with the HBS yesterday as I was busy setting up the frog tank. Yes, that's right, we have little adorable froggies now. There are four in the tank and two have been removed to the larger 29 gallon tank. Not sure if that's where they will stay permenantly (it's awfully large for such small critters), but at least it's snug and secure from cat curiosity








April 20, 2008

Glass house

Found while cleaning -- written around this time last year -- two examples of me saying really stupid things in public. At least one of them (the first) was a Diogenes joke. And I don't think the other was heard by anyone. I'm pretty sure I didn't post these anywhere, and they're just too pathetic not to now. --- (notes from a weekend with family) My brother entered the cabin carrying the kerosene heater by the coiled wire handle. He fought the ill-fitted door shut, let loose a staccato jig to bare his boots of snow, and walked to the center of the room. He held the heater up like a titanic lantern before him and squinted against the sunlight. "Looking for a very large honest man?" I said. "Beer," he deftly parried. ------------------------------------------------------------- On the way out of town we stopped for gas. My brother backed the van up to the pump, cut the engine, and dug out two wrinkled dollars from the center console. "Go grab a Diet Pepsi for me while I pump gas," he said, handing me the two bills. I walked across to the entrance and held the door open for a young couple as they exited. I looked back toward the van in time to see my brother let out a muffled curse as gasoline spurted from the pump onto his sleeve. Inside, I pulled a 1-liter bottle of Diet Pepsi from the refrigerator case, and paused to admire the drinks closing ranks behind it. It was on sale for $1.99. I got in line at the counter behind a small blonde-haired woman in a puffy down coat and tight, worn jeans. She looked familiar. I stood a few paces behind her to let foot traffic flow, and watched as she ordered a pack of Marlboro Lights from the amazon behind the register. I stared at her back and let my vision blur, trying to figure out where I'd seen this woman before. As she waited for the cashier to verify her identity, she looked over her shoulder at me and squinted maliciously, as if to say "Stop looking at my ass you fat pervert." I turned away and pretended to take sudden interest in the SlimJims display. My palms were sweating. She paid and left. I remembered I'd gone to high school with her. I placed the Pepsi on the counter, and straightened out the sweat-damp money in my hand. One of the bills had a deep rust-red stain across Washington's stoic portrait. The cashier tittered at the register as she rung up my purchase. I smoothed the bills a few times on my leg so I'd feel less like we'd just pulled up in a rusted out VW van -- in tattered, paint-splotched clothing -- to perv-out on customers, spill gasoline on ourselves, and buy discounted Pepsi with blood stained, wrinkled, and soggy dollar bills. "One ninety-nine," the cashier said. The sun was blinding behind her. "Two bucks," I said, sliding the bills across to her. They left a slug-trail of moisture on the hot counter. She picked up the money, scrunched up her face a little and said, "Two ducks." I hesitated for a moment, and then mumbled, "I'd rather have two chicks." I regretted it immediately. ------