rosemary z. glade's diary

love will tear us apart

2011-12-29T17:48:00.001Z

I told her how much I love sucking nipples and I described how I suck them.

I cant tell how much of that might be my very annoyed bowel though. I love them more than I could possibly construe as real emotion.

Oops, that user doesn't have their notes feature turned on!

A day in the life

2011-07-23T15:06:00.003+01:00

My date with B didn't happen. She said she wasn't feeling well. I got a tattoo of a dog paw print with an American flag. Yesterday I ran some errands. I took both dogs and we went and ran some errands. I bought some window visors, clothes rod, and a power center. I took both dogs to work with me. B worked and T had to hang out in the truck. This morning I went and got the front windows tinted to match the rear. Today is my Friday. Hopefully work goes by quickly

Dr. Hook

2011-07-10T16:02:00.003+01:00

He said we were finished. DeN afTer this Had break so Tired i Drank FInished a BOttle OF ORange at ONe go and My teeth turned COmpletely ORANGE.hah. I made orange juice from frozen concentrate this morning, with the blender, so really it is orange froth. I think we went at 1 in the morning.

Thursday: Went to the fair in the morning.

heathen earth

2010-11-09T15:11:00.003Z

We come from the earth. we evolded from it.

Then I opened my mail from the weekend, which proved to be a lucrative task. But I heard Smash Mouth singing Im A Believer again and wanted to find where it comes from, and discovered on CDNow that its on the soundtrack for Shrek. I had so much I wanted to say, but what I wanted to say would have caused such a scene in the middle of the restaurant that it would have risen above the din of the college football and baseball and basketball games.

I think she and I would honestly like to see him suffer for a little while and mull over the pain he caused us. It has always been an easy place to work and I guess he figured if you wanted money... you could go somewhere where they would pay you more money.

Where is my poetry? I loved the Senfield episode where Jerry tells George that Biff Loman is the biggest loser in literary history because his goal is to be the man his father is.

That's like someone wanting to break into acting because Steve Guttenburg is that person's idol. The only thing that I have missed all weekend is sleep cause every night I was up playing video games till the wee hours of the morning. On Saturday night.. well morning.. me and my bro were playing video games as usual with my cousin and finally got tired at like 1am or something and went to sleep. It made me not want to have kids and I know that's mean to say but honestablished is supposed to be a good thing right? I mean overall it was a good vacation, I got to hang out with my cousins CorCor and Kny and JB and Nato, but the other baby cousin that I have is driving me up a wall. We were all there, so it was as simple as hopping in the rental van and off we would go.

the torture garden

2010-10-12T17:42:00.004+01:00

There was no time to correct the situation.

Mall of America was pretty cool, even if we did only go in 3 stores while there... the rest of the time was spent at Camp Snoopy where there's rides. I had a scarf in case there was a need to cover my hair. In this case, the speaker is asking you to confirm something.

I see something or hear a phrase and my mind latches onto it and weaves this whole new creation around it.

However, I believe the most difficult thing in life is to hate something and love hating it.

This was absolutely the most impacting year of my life.

five knuckle shuffle

2010-08-19T15:58:00.003+01:00

Shirts were meant to be worn. We look over to the bench where Ed and Jen were sitting and they were making out.

Then, after bringing me back and finding the lubricant in the bedside drawer, they turn me over and start taking turns at my asshole.

The Finance Division will be refunding the money for those students who are staying or had stayed in usrah rooms and out of campus.

transmission

2010-07-22T15:17:00.004+01:00

She did, and said she had no idea who it was either. It all went pretty well. Otherwise the day went well.

Yeah, sorry I have to be all legal on you here, but unless otherwise indicated, all that you read here is mine, mine, mine.

Are You Timely Or Always Late: Mostly on time, but recently I've been late.

He goes to all sorts of fucked up places, Hamburg, Aarhus, probably London, I think he once said something about Seoul, but he couldve been talking about that kick ass music. I have tried talking to him, but alas, I have been ignored by the git. Oh Yes, also have been making more drawings and tomorrow I'll be at Pratt again with the famous drawing group - we'll be drawing, well, what'd you expect? First of all, The Grudge as awesome; if you have ever just even somewhat liked a scary movie, go see this. Nicki thinks it was a girl because the form was somewhat womanly, but I think it was just a boy with hips. January 30, 2002 - i looked somewhat like the grim reaper, only you could see my face somewhat. It was moving to hear him talk about his mitzvah, which was to train his dog Hector to the point that the dog could be certified, brought into a local old folks' home and used for pet therapy. It was a steal for the money that we paid for it. When your bills started to scream $20,000!!!!, it didn't click in your mind that this was an insane way to live? After an hour or so the meds started to work but it didn't help much.

big time sensuality

2010-07-05T14:52:00.004+01:00

Well, I hit 37K words of the first draft of my Fledgling Novel at the weekend - which means I'm pretty much a third of the way there. *Gulp*. I know. How did that happen? The trouble is, at the same time, the Terrible Rampaging Doubts set in (the 'Every word I write, every idea I have, every character I create is utter crap - Who am I kidding here anyway?' stage). It sucks. Hence me prevaricating by emailing and blogging instead of writing now. Bad Jenny! No Jelly Babies! Seriously. No Jelly Babies until I've at least finished the chapter I started yesterday. Symptoms of Rampaging Doubt include: fanatical urge to abandon the Fledgling Novel and write The Other One that's been brewing in my head instead web browsing; blog reading buying books on Amazon general miasma of bleakness Anyway, the Rampaging Doubts are pretty much par for the course, so I'm doing my best to ignore them. Hmm. Kind of. I did buy some books on Amazon yesterday. I found myself in freefall on Saturday night, so floundered around seeking a rope to cling to, and found it in the shape of blog posts by authors taking about their own fears, doubts and insecurities as well as their success stories in finding agents and publication. It's heartening to read that I'm not alone in feeling these things, and some of the posts I found were extremely encouraging and full of no-nonsense advice. Reading other people's success stories is also heartening (once you learn to get beyond the jealous greenies. Which makes it sound like something that happens when you have a cold, but you know what I mean). Anyway, other people's stories reassure me that these people whose work I admire were once in exactly the same position as me, and it happened for them, and can happen for me too. Yes it can! Sorry, Rampaging Doubt is keeping me from believing that at the moment. Bugger off Rampaging Doubt, I've got a book to write here. Besides, I REALLY want some Jelly Babies.

an end has a start

2010-06-28T17:21:00.004+01:00

If you could only see my face I have had a permant grin on my face ever since it happend. It was amazing, my head started swimming after the first smack and I didnt care, I just let go. Feeling his body over mine, all I could do was burry my head into the pillows bite down and wait for the next hard smack. And of course he didnt do them in a pattern so I never knew when to expect them. At one point he had me counting...I would go fast until 7 and then I started to get worried and would try to slow down, he wouldnt let me and when I was on 9 my heart was beating so fast I new it was coming as soon as I said 10 and I wanted to so badly but I was affraid, it stung and sometimes I wanted to scream louder than I did but I wanted to be a good sub and take it. So I did and after it was all done, it wasnt as bad as I thought it was. But HOLY SHIT all those spankings could never top his dick, never been into cock worship but man oh man. When he first put it in me and I could feel ever curvature, every bumb and every throb. Talking about it right now makes me wet, that is something I am going to have a very hard time resisting. Oh and at one point Im not sure why, maybe a look I gave him, maybe his lust buliding for me. He looked me dead in the eyes and called me a sexy bitch...not just you sexy bitch. There was wanton lust behind it, so much that it was spilling out. I dont think I have ever had a more sexy compliment before in my life. This man.....this man is trouble.

negativland

2010-06-23T14:43:00.002+01:00

I got a physical today. Clean bill of health, no hepatitis, no diabetes. I was so tired of living. I slept with a loaded shotgun, and dreamed about sweet release.

journey through a body

2010-06-07T17:32:00.002+01:00

I've decided that I really really hate mornings.. No, not just hate but loath them. Okay pretend that you're sleeping away, dreaming and all. Then a annoying number of tones forces itself into your head and you realize it's your phone and you're not waiting for a phone call...unhappy is what I'm feeling right now.

third mind movement

2010-05-06T15:38:00.002+01:00

Somehow the process of exercising and training at the big public gym, then sitting in the sauna, then bathing and slathering myself in oil (regular lotion doesn't work anymore, stupid dry skin), makes me feel so wonderfully anciently Greek (forgetting the whole 'I'm a girl and would have been locked away in a house' thing). I am embarrassed to admit that I spend a good portion of the process imagining that I am an ancient warrior or orator or something (imagination really helps eat up some of those tedious treadmill minutes). In other news, I will be posting some lists soon. I know I got behind but these past few days have been so busy I just haven't had any spare computer time. And also, my imagination, which was feeling somewhat locked and dulled regarding tattoos has exploded with thousands of possibilities of beautiful things, and I'm going to post them so that I don't forget them (I do that sometimes)

Dissey

2010-05-04T14:52:00.003+01:00

can take a mess and turn her into something beautiful to me. :) I like that song. I love my friends. You're a true friend, you're here till the end. You pull me aside when something ain't right, talk with me now and into the night, till it's alright again. School is crazy. I have to memorize so many scripts. I don't think my brain has enough space. On the musical day, I'll probably start saying my monologue. And on Theatre Studies exam day, I'll probably start saying my speeches for the various events I'm MCing for. Oh well. You Liang is right. School is extremely fun once you stop caring about deadlines and crap. I've started falling asleep in certain classes. Like Natasha said today, 'Econs is the new math.' But I'm having so much fun in school, it's insane.

enter tinnitus

2010-03-11T13:31:00.003Z

And what's with all that words proclaiming ur unwavering love and devotion? You know it's all beginning to sound so much like a joke.

fire in the organism

2009-11-23T17:25:00.002Z

This weekend we took down Edgar's old cage and packed it off to the basement. It really felt like closing the previous chapter of his life for good, a sign that he is so settled in here that he doesn't need any of the trappings of his old life any more. We also went to the New England Aquarium yesterday, primarily to see the new marine mammal center but we ended up spending a lot of time watching penguins as well. One of the funnier moments of the day was when M asked me what the penguins with the yellow feathers on their heads were called, and he heard my answer of "Rockhopper penguins" as "rock opera penguins." So that is what we called them for the rest of the day, because it suited them so well. The new marine mammal center right now is just northern fur seals, but that is alright as they are very beautiful and so obviously intelligent. One of them looked like she was dancing in the water, striking poses, drifting into new ones. We found a sign that said although seals don't seem to do this in the wild, once you train a seal to dance, it does it all the time on its own. That is a wonderful thing. Outside, we saw two of the harbor seals do a very silly dance for their trainer, holding their upper bodies out of the water and waving their flippers up and down in unison. I don't think anybody who could see it could help but smile. If I were to become any animal, I think I would be a seal. I am really liking Stargate Universe. It is indeed highly derivative of many other shows, but it does its deriving quite nicely, and manages to feel like something new. This is going to be a long week. .

remote viewing 1

2009-11-02T16:49:00.003Z

Believe me, if I could have pulled myself together, I would have. I can assure you, I didn't act that way for anyone's benefit, it simply happened. You build up wooden blocks or a house of cards too high, overload it, it topples. And just because you have different ways of dealing with it, doesn't make you right, and me wrong. It's just the way it goes. Judge me all you want, for all I care, you were never in my head at that moment in time, you were never exposed to the thoughts that played through my mind. Or the stress. You weren't the one thinking "maybe it's my fault he's sad, maybe the kindest thing I could do is leave him....one way or another.......". You weren't the one that had to see someone you love day in day out, in pain of a sort that isn't obvious. Just because it's in the head does NOT make it any less real. I was sick. Genuinely sick. And I pity you, because if you ever find yourself there someday, it'll be a shock. One of my friends posted a while ago - talking of a disability that people can't see but exists and makes her life difficult. It's much the same with things that go on in the head. It would have been so much easier if I had a leg in plaster or something that people could relate to. As it is, only those close to me have seen the damage.

the host of seraphim

2009-10-28T18:13:00.002Z

I'm looking forward to going to Crown Tourney, seeing friends, and seeing a certain small secret project through to a successful conclusion. *Two new students from last Aquacize session signed up for class again. Tonight I find out if the rest of them did, too (I'm pretty sure they did!). *One of my swim buddies has swim fins that fit me nearly perfectly (we both have short very wide feet). She now insists that I borrow them whenever she is done with that part of her swim. (I'll be putting this item on my wish list, but meanwhile it saves me rummaging through the swim team's mismatches.) *My marigolds that survived the odd weather but hadn't bloomed apparently decided that this week would be a good time to put in an appearance. There's a short cheery burst of them near the back steps. * Peppermint tea What is making you happy today?

my love paramour

2009-10-15T15:59:00.002+01:00

I've been neglecting my record of exploits. let's recap as best we can: Friday - Dave and Buster's with Shaw, Alisa, Cooper, Taylor, Matt Flint, and others. Slade's with Natasha and Gina. OtherSide where Emo Taylor was not working but I made a new friend, John from Wales. glorious walk home in the rain. sleep at 3. Saturday - brunch at Trident with new friend. Burlington, walked Mocha, bra shopping with mum, nachos and Wizard of Oz on Blu Ray with dad and Rae. Sunday - ran 4 miles, dad omelet, Whole Foods and coat shopping at Marshall's with mum, family dinner (Scott came too.) Garment District then Cowboy Bebop with Nic. picked up and brought to dinner at Yulia's by Kate Drake. damn, Yulia's brother is hot. Monday - up early to meet in Davis. walked around Walden Pond with Nic, Kate, Yulia, Erica, Steve, Emrah, and Susan. lunch at the Colonial Inn in downtown Concord. failed at trying to walk around the DeCordova sculpture park ($12 each.) lost Em, Sus, and Nic on the way to apple picking in Berlin, MA. back to Davis to see Inglourious Basterds with Em and Nic. off to Pour House on Boylston for drinks/catching up on life/nachos with Joe (old co-worker/close friend.) ended up chilling in his comped room at the Sheraton till 3am. walk home in the rain. Tuesday - Shaw over for mini Geek Day (sans Jas) and Koreana (YUM.) night in doing laundry/watching Mad Men season 2 disc 3. I enjoy that show so hard. barely slept due to wailing cat in basement (upstairs neighbor petsitting for parents.) Wednesday - busy day at work, talked to MBJ for 2 seconds, made apple pancakes with freshly picked Cortlands. plus munched on apple with sharp cheddar. and had lovely cup of tea. re-watching Mad Men season 1 until Dan comes back to get next season 2 disc from NetFlix. "picked up" by Nic on way to Cantab (just listened.) off to CBC to catch up with my lovelies (Kate, Annie, Greg, Matty, Erica, Kevin.) decided to chill at the loft Friday night. decided to throw Emrah & Hooman's housewarming for them (with Nic.) Chris Hugh's friend was there, the one I fucked on New Years. that was nice and awkward. wow. I've been freaking busy . people I want to chill with again soon: Alisa, Jas, Matt tonight: Punjabi Dhaba & underground jazz tomorrow night: loft Saturday day: coaching! at 2pm in Cambridge Saturday night: ?Emrah & Hooman's housewarming? Sunday day: free yoga Sunday night: Sleep No More (Macbeth on crack) later days PS La I miss you and Meredith wants you to be our guest again but she'll be gone X-mas & New Years so visit another time!

spellbound

2009-10-01T17:06:00.003+01:00

And I do, want you to know I'll hold you up above everyone And I do, want you to know I think you'd be good to me And I'd be so good to you "ok better be good. hehe. shaddup la you damn irritating one day when you're sleeping i will sm tie you and fuck you, whip you and i can say that to you also ok?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA" now this is what i call an inside joke ^^ a change of heart a change of hands incompetency disgrace facades pretence pretence pretence. i miss you so much i just wish i knew how to face you again. i've kept all the notes i wrote but was afraid to pass... i fear your judgment, i'm sorry i think it'll be better for me if i kept away for now. i still love you, xoxo. goodnight.

starslider

2009-09-22T16:11:00.002+01:00

No matter how careful you are, there’s going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn’t experience it all. there’s that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should’ve been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That’s how your whole life will feel some day. - Invisible Monsters Chuck Palahniuk

party's fall

2009-09-14T15:53:00.004+01:00

I'm still missing her my sweet fuzzy-faced baby lounging in the sun purring in my ear pushing me off her pillows she has left a hole

kurnutus

2009-09-09T17:46:00.004+01:00

Unfortunately, this has to be a vague vent because it's one of those things I cannot be specific on. Some people in this world are just STOOPID. Stoooooopid. I'm not sure what pisses me off more, the stoopid itself or the fact that I expect to spend the next one or two days creating spreadsheets listing and categorizing the stoopid. Excel hates me, and since the stoopid has hit a level where post-it notes and scrap paper are no longer sufficient, I will need to create some spreadsheets. Growl. Did I mention I have a DEADLINE to investigate all the stoopid?

shadows of the night

2009-08-30T16:48:00.006+01:00

i suddenly thought of red&brown stripey! ilyaaaaaaaaaanaaaaa. that mission, lebih penting darikelas kita setiap hari S dan J wokay. anw. i haven met my friends for the longest time ever!! when was the last time i saw fitrah, shikin, hida, hatib, fir and farid??!! at the airport when i was flying to chinaaaaaaaaaaa. that was months ago! when was the last time i saw yuni, syahida, ATIKAH, hui min, sx and rach?? sigh. but thank god for a special someone's special day coming up (hahahaha) because then, i'll see alllllllll my frens. HOPEFULLY. i miss being in the comfort of seeing people who will make my day- just laughing away at anything and everything. now, everyday i literally draaaaaag myself out of bed wishing it was the end of the day and not the start. not a single day out of the 7 that i have, can actually put a smile on my face and make me think- ah, yes im looking forward to that! nope. nothing. im a sad little idiot. i always wonder why people can get so miserable, whining about how life sucks, about how they wish everything else is something else. because even tho i pretend to listen to them, i am secretly saying in my head- are u guys crazy?there is so much in life to look out for! i guess i finally see their point of view because now, my life is pretty much rockbottom. nothing works out for me. happy is not exactly word of the day now. i guess you were right- i am and have always been living in denial. now, where are you when i need you? 11th september. please come quick. >.<

stellar gum

2009-08-23T17:35:00.004+01:00

I am watching Malcolm in the MIddle and I am sitting here randomly typing things! Now it changed so now I am watching "George Lopez" he is hilarious! He goes " How about Steven Stigal movie you know the ones before he got to fat to kick!! El Oh El!!! I am so bored and Benny is so mean but she is hilarious! So is Erney but he is kinda fat and he has BIG ears! Okay Max is cute when he is older in George Lopez! He is H-O-T! Odale` that is what he always says and WA-PAH!!! OKay I am done!

pancake lizard

2009-08-16T15:29:00.003+01:00

Yipee! Okay, well, I'm not out of the woods yet but still it's good news. It's been 2 whole months actually that my tooth had been aching. Toothache at my bottom tooth would radiate out to my upper one and then it'd give me terrible headaches. I've been taking an aspirin every 6-12 hours for the ache. When I delay taking one, the in-between time would be horrible. I wouldn't be able to stand it. What felt terrible was not just the ache. It was the fact that I was 'on' something, you know? I've never had to take any pills like that before. It's been this delayed cuz I was worried about the cost at first. First, I delayed it till after I got the primary apps in. Then, there was more delay cuz I procrastinated looking for another option like some of you suggested. I just didn't want to pay that money. Or go to that much trouble. Sort of wished it would go away on its own. Of course it didn't. Then, one day I decided traveling won't do cuz there'll be multiple visits. Taking time off to travel and the travel cost won't cut it. And then I found out from my insurance that I wasn't getting ripped off by the dentist. They said it would cost the same whichever office I go to. So I was reassured there. And I also found out that I can do a no-interest payment plan. It just took me a little to get used to the fact that I'd be shelling out that much money. Finally made an appointment. And it was postponed twice. Finally, I was like 'that's it! Refer me to another office'. Well..it's just another branch and I went there today. Man, the dentist was so much better. I'm much happier with this office now. The dentist is older, more knowledgeable. Not as pompous as the other one. The other one was all smiles but when I talked to him, it felt like what I said didn't quite get through and he couldn't address all of my concerns. This dentist is much better. And from now on, I'll be going to see him. Anyways, so I went in resigned to the fact that I would be getting a root canal today. He looked at it, did the cold test again. I was really concerned that my top one needed a canal too since the pain was clearly coming from that. Could have been referred pain but was really worried there. After looking at the X-rays, he worked on both the bottom and top so I was biting better. It was fast, almost painless. He said he doesn't see anything on the X-rays that says I would need a canal. And asked to see me a week later for re-evaluation. If it was the bite problem, all the symptoms should go away now. And that means NO root canal! But he advised that I put a crown on that one tooth with a large filling. So come Thursday, I'll be seeing him again. You know what the great thing is?? I had been having pain again in my tooth...but I tolerated it and then the pain got down to like 10% of what I was feeling before. I'm going to hold out as much as I can on aspirin. See if the ache and the headaches would go away now that he fixed my bite. Ooooh, I hope so. I don't want a root canal. I'd still have to get a crown but it should be faster than doing a canal. -kneige-

killing dome

2009-08-11T12:47:00.002+01:00

Im just a little bit crazy And nothing will change Kill, Kill, Kill Im just a little bit mad And nothing will make it alright Kill, Kill, Kill Dont try to save me Leave and help yourself Kill, Kill, Kill Run and hide The truth will always come out and play Kill, Kill, Kill Painted red walls of insanity Dont look back One wrong step and you will fall Kill, Kill, Kill

ventolin

2009-08-03T17:04:00.003+01:00

nutrek RPF/american idol RPF, zachary quinto/adam lambert , NC-17, for . ~9700 words. much thanks to and . I WISH I HAD SOME EXCUSE FOR THIS. stylish disclaimer: none of this ever happened; for fun and not profit. It's a New Dawn (center square: crossover fusion) Break-ups are always shit. You sit on your ass, boring everyone who comes near you with the moping and the pouting until it's just you sharing a couch with an empty pint of Häagen Dazs, and channel surfing in the vain hope of finding a TV show where everybody doesn't look like Him. Four of Adam's friends ganged up on him earlier tonight because they couldn't take it anymore, which is why he's moping all over this bar couch instead of the couch at home, but he's still in a full blown I'll-never-love-again flounce over being newly ex. Well. Two months ex. Fuck it, Adam tells himself. He might be miserable, but at least he can do it like a rock star. He catches the waiter's eye and waves him over with every intention of ordering a bottle of tequila and a lime because fuck it, right? You're only insanely famous for fifteen minutes. Their waiter comes up with a full tray and, to Adam's surprise, starts putting drinks down on the table. "Did you order this?" he asks Danielle, because she's the one nearest him, but she gives him a wide-eyed shrug. "Compliments of one of the other patrons," the waiter says, leaning down to get right up close to Adam's ear. He's hot, short and flirty and blond and just Adam's type, which means Adam wants nothing to fucking do with him. Still, he's curious. It's not like people don't send him drinks all the time, but usually they make the waiter point out their table just in case Adam decides they're the one he's been waiting for all his life. This silent treatment is weird. He tilts his head to a receptive angle and asks: "Who sent it?" The guy seems to go a bit rueful. He even backs off a half step. "Zach Quinto," he says, and gestures subtly across the VIP section at a booth in the corner. "He said to tell you who it was from only if you asked." Adam raises an eyebrow. Of course he knows the name; he doesn't watch Heroes, but he sure does know his way around the internet. He tries to be coy about it, leaning across to tug at Josh's sleeve so he won't look like he's looking. "Dude, fucking Spock just sent us drinks." "No shit?" Josh asks, his eyes widening. He instantly turns to scan the crowd, the least subtle thing in the world. "Is he here?" Adam can't help but laugh. "Yeah, apparently. You can stop staring anytime." Josh waves a dismissive hand at him. "Fuck you, man, that guy is smokin ." "What? Who are we talking about?" asks Brad, following Josh's gaze, because of course that's what makes him pay attention. Adam covers his laugh with his hand. "Oh my god, I can't take you people anywhere." "Zachary Quinto just sent us drinks," Josh announces to the table, ignoring Adam entirely. "My god, I would fuck him in a New York minute." Tanya cranes her neck to look onto the dance floor. "You're shitting me. Where?" In a display of pure class, Danielle shoves at her. "Come on, you guys. Pick up your free booze and get up on the floor. Maybe we'll find him." They all leap up, a pack of eager puppies tonight, and follow her. She gives Adam a wink and a smile as they disappear into the pulsing crowd. Adam wipes a thumb across his lips, which is the closest he can get to putting his face in his hands without smudging his makeup. His friends are the best and he is grateful for them, but there's shameless and then there's them. He can't help a smile, of course, and just sips his free vodka tonic and hopes that Zachary Quinto, wherever he is, is less uncomfortable now that there aren't three people looking for him. "I guess you don't feel like dancing," says a smooth, easy voice, and Adam looks up, startled. Standing at the edge of his couch in an outfit that practically blends into the wall is a man he's only ever seen on a computer screen. He's got a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth that could only be described as kind, and his stance is as casual and unassuming as Kris's, which is saying something. He just bought drinks for Adam's friends, and he is neither blond nor short. Adam shifts over on the couch and gestures at the empty spot. "Not really a dancing night for me," he shrugs. "Thanks for the round, I appreciate it." "It's no problem. We've actually never met - Zach." He holds out his hand and Adam takes it firmly. It's warm and dry and strong, just right. "Adam. I haven't seen your movie yet, but I really want to." Zach shrugs easily. "No time, right? They must keep you pretty busy." Adam's all set to say yes - the tour, the record, the press, oh, it's all so taxing. That's the right answer, the expected one. But the truth sits in his chest like lead, and if he's going to sit here and talk to a total stranger, fuck it. Adam wasn't even supposed to be out tonight, he was meant to be at home cuddled up to Lifetime. But instead he's here and he looks at least moderately fabulous, and if he wants to act like a bit of a drama queen, well, he just fucking will. "To tell you the truth, Zach Quinto, it's because I just broke up with my boyfriend and movies are no fun if you can't hold hands under the popcorn." He gives a smile, and allows it to be sad instead of brave. Without a second's hesitation, Zach leans in to put a hand on his shoulder. Adam looks up and finds a face that's perfectly genuine. The much-vaunted eyebrows are at just such an angle, the night-black eyes expressive and open. "Man, I'm really sorry," he says, and his voice is sweet and, yes, still kind. "I've been there, believe me. It sucks." For a long second, Adam inspects him for cheap pickup, for Hollywood shallowness. For anything at all that might set off his bullshit detector. "It's not a move," Zach smiles, letting his hand slide away and putting it up, palm out. "Swear." Adam lets himself squint a little too much, turn his head so it's fun and flirty and nice. "I don't know," he teases. "You might be a stalker." Zach turns his face the same way, looks at Adam under his lashes. "Yes, clearly all this acting bullshit is just to get me into the exclusive clubs." "Well," Adam sighs dramatically as he slides around the table. "I suppose I could sit with you just this one time, but don't go telling all your friends about it." Following him out of the booth, Zach just smiles, but as they walk together toward his table, Adam feels the lightest brush against him, shoulder to shoulder. "After you," he says when they arrive, gesturing at the neon-streaked couch. There aren't any other people there, though Adam spies remnants of a group in crumpled cocktail napkins and an empty plate. He slides in and sets his drink down like he belongs here, since he's queening. He puts an arm up along the back of the couch, his hand resting just about where Zach should sit. Zach sits down just at the edge of that reach. Maybe, Adam thinks. Or maybe not. He sips his drink and lets his thumb press against smooth leather. "So where are your friends?" Another look under the lashes at that. If Adam didn't know better, he'd call it coy, but no - he's seen that look before. He's given that look before. "They had other things to do," Zach says, with just a hint of an edge riding underneath the softness in his voice. "I was gonna head out too, but I saw you..." He lets it trail off, like it isn't perfectly clear what goes at the end of that sentence. As if Adam was going to fill it in with and recognized you from American fucking Idol instead of and I thought you were hot . He sips at his drink, feels the ice clink against his lips and chill the skin. He licks the cold away, not too much tongue and not too little, because that's what he likes, and fuck it, right? Adam's never been great at self-denial, and he's never been a coward, either. "Well, my friends are on the dance floor," he says. "I think they had ulterior motives, leaving me alone like that." Zach smiles, and this one has no softness in it whatsoever. His teeth have a razor edge. "More explicitly?" Adam beams back at him. "Starfucking. They have no shame. It's kind of sad." It's nice to hear Zach laugh, surprised and amused. He keeps hinting at being all sexy and serious, but a second personality keeps peeking through in little hints - warm, sincere, a little bit silly. Adam can't help but grin and try to draw it out. "You know, you kind of remind me of this one friend of mine? I think you're a secret sweetheart." "Is that so?" Zach asks. He arches an eyebrow, and Adam suddenly gets why they're almost more famous than Zach is. "Totally. My friend isn't secret about it at all , though. The second you meet him, you know he's sweet. All I could think of for weeks after I met him was how to get him into bed, but wouldn't you know it: straight." A tight smile is his reward for that, rueful and twisty on Zach's lips. "I... wish I could say I didn't know what you mean." He sips at his drink, which looks to be a plain Coke. Adam leans forward, an elbow on the table now as he braces his arm against the back of the couch. "Tell me your troubles, baby. I'll tell you mine and we'll cry into our martinis." Zach taps two light fingers underneath Adam's chin, the barest suggestion of a teasing stroke lingering after them. "I'm afraid I'm driving tonight." He can't help but smile. "Our metaphorical martinis, God. Work with me, here!" With a soul-deep sigh, Zach leans back against the couch. His shoulder thumps against Adam's hand and though he must feel it, he doesn't move away. "Fine. Fine, since we're sharing, let's lay it all out on the table." "Right here," Adam echoes, thumping his hand against said table. "Let's go, right now." Zach tips his glass a little, acknowledging. "I had a crush on a guy at work. I had no excuse or even plausible deniability about it; I mean, I was the only queer on set and there was only one girl in the show. We spent every day lamenting being surrounded by so many hot and unavailable men, and to add insult to injury, we spent the rest of our time kissing on camera." "Poor baby." Adam lets his hand sneak a little further along the back of the couch, skating his fingers along Zach's shoulder. He rubs his thumb against the soft fabric and sips at his drink with his free hand. Zach puts his coke down with a thunk. "Don't tell me you have no problem with it," he says, a hand up. "You know what straight guys are like; you say something completely innocent like: hey, man, how was your weekend? And then they start up with how the date didn't quite work out, and he hasn't gotten laid since however long ago, and he's gonna start fucking the scenery soon, and you're like fuck you, Chris, I did not need to hear your sordid little details because this fucking uniform is unforgiving." Adam cuts him a look. "His name is Kris?" "It's not like he doesn't know he's hot," Zach scowls, and then notices that Adam's talking. "I'm sorry, what?" "Your crush," Adam says, his stomach flipping over. "His name is Kris?" Zach rolls his eyes a little, but at himself. If Adam's not mistaken, there's a sweet little blush darkening those cheeks. "Why don't we pretend you didn't hear that," he says, and buries his nose in his coke. Adam's just about to move his fingers to the neck, bare skin would be nice - and then Zach fires a narrow, intelligent look at him. "Why? Was yours?" Adam blinks at him. "What?" "Your crush." Zach shrugs, too casual. "Seemed like you thought you knew him." It wouldn't be anything he hasn't admitted to the major news outlets, but it's one thing to say it with a smile. It's a whole other thing to say it to somebody that knows what it really means. Adam firmly reminds himself that tonight is a fuck it all night. "Yeah. Cute as all get out, straight as an arrow and super extra über married." He laughs, wry and a little bitter. "They made me share a room with him." "Ouch," Zach murmurs, wincing. "At least they gave me my own trailer." "I had to sleep there!" Adam cries indignantly, not for the first time. "I couldn't even jerk off except in the shower in the morning. It was hell and I was in it." Zach smiles against the rim of his coke. "Poor baby." "Oh, fuck you," Adam laughs, and this time he does let his thumb slide heavily over that hot skin just above the collar. It's rough to the touch, stubble from his hairline grazing Adam's fingers. There's just enough vodka tonic in him that it's exotic and interesting, as opposed to not twink enough for Adam's tastes, so he slides his hand up over it without thinking. Abruptly, with no warning whatsoever, a strong hand grips his thigh high on the inside. Adam drags in a startled breath and looks; oh yes. There it is. Son of a bitch. Beside him, Zach is looking demurely at his near-empty glass. So low as to be almost lost in the thumping bass, Zach murmurs at him. "If you have a thing for being in public, I can oblige without it being quite so obvious." The fingers shift, rubbing against his inseam. Adam blows out a pained breath. "You don't waste any time," he says, stumbling the words a little. The look Zach slants at him makes the air ten degrees hotter around them. "Would you like me to stop?" Adam is abruptly aware that he is dealing with someone that's older than him. Zach has five years of experiences under his belt that can only be imagined. "Only," Adam says, taking care to be precise with his words, "if it means we're going someplace to fuck immediately now." Zach's fingers shift down a little, away from the danger zone. "What about your ex?" he asks, and Adam scowls because that's a hell of a mood killer. He shoots a glare at Zach's face, but sees genuine concern there - he keeps doing that. "Is it an on-again-off-again thing? If you're going to hate yourself tomorrow for cheating..." Adam lets his mouth hang open in shock. "Who are you? I mean, seriously, this is a hookup. And God knows everyone loves to hook up, but what do you care how I feel the next morning? Are you out to get sainted or something?" One strong thumb skims across Adam's thigh, and he almost doesn't notice it because Zach is laughing. He's really something when he laughs. "It's actually canonization ? And while I very much doubt the Vatican will be handing them out for this, I'm asking because given the exclusive choice between getting laid and making a friend... I choose friend. With you, anyway." Adam wrinkles his nose, more amused than anything. "I'm not sure whether to be insulted or flattered. Maybe both?" "Flattered is easier on your stomach," Zach smiles, and arches an eyebrow. "So?" Adam shakes his head. "No, no more on-again. We're done done," he says firmly, and it's a bit of a twinge, but better for being certain. Adam puts two fingers on Zach's wrist and nudges it back to where it was before, higher and closer and better - much better - spreading his knees apart under the table to give him access. "Now, weren't we talking about staying or leaving?" Zach's smile becomes sharper, smaller. "Am I sensing a choice to stay?" "I could," Adam grins, leaning back against the couch and stroking his thumb over the tender inside of Zach's wrist. "But I think we might just have more fun somewhere else." Zach leans closer, bumping their shoulders together as he murmurs into Adam's ear. "And you chose to communicate the urge to leave by pushing your cock into my hand?" Adam smirks at the wall across from them, and lets his own hand slide across Zach's hard thigh. "I'm a rock singer, honey. I do most of my talking with my dick." The high, muffled sound Zach makes in response could only be described as a giggle. He pushes his cheek against Adam's shoulder, and Adam turns his face toward it, rubbing against Zach's hair like a cat. "Come on," he coaxes. "Let's get outta here." Zach pulls away, disentangles them without seeming to lift a finger to do it. He fixes his hair with the same economy of motion, like magic, and produces money for the table from somewhere. A pocket. Adam watches his hands, but can't track just how he's doing it. Zach catches him watching and smiles as he slides out of the booth. "You did want to leave, right?" "Cute," Adam answers, rolling his eyes as he follows Zach out. Zach stays a step ahead of him down the steps and through the dancing throng. It's tough to keep up, keep him in sight: a slick black button-down and a pair of jeans describes half the people in here. Good thing they're both tall. At the coat check he finds Zach waiting for him, leaning against a wall and examining his fingernails. "Did you have anything?" he asks, tilting his head in the direction of the bored, gum-snapping coat check girl. "No, but I need a cab. Can't drive." Zach gives him a look. "I'm perfectly sober. Come with me." Adam hoots a surprised laugh. "Are you kidding me? You want me to get in your car? Outside this bar?" Gum-snapping coat check girl puts a hand over the mouthpiece of the phone she's already picked up to call Adam's cab, and leans across her counter. "They're not heavy tonight, guys, but there are some. It's still early." " Fuck ," Zach says, and the look on his face is at least a little terrifying. Adam steps up to his side and puts a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, don't worry about it," he says soothingly. "Just tell me where I'm going. Or I can tell you, but just be warned that my place is kind of a shithole. I'm moving soon, but I haven't had a chance to shop around." An edgy smirk makes it through the scowl. "The humble origins of a rock star." "Yeah, something like that," Adam grins. He asks the coat check girl for a pen, writes his cell number and address on a stray receipt, presses it into Zach's hand and then straightens his shirt. "I'll go first and lead them up the block. After a minute you'll be in the clear." He leans over and kisses Zach; he's aiming for the cheek, but gets a sweet spot just past the jaw. "Tip that girl for me," he murmurs. "See you in twenty." And he steps outside into a blur of flash bulbs and people shouting his name. Somebody asks about Drake - where is he, how's he doing, do they still talk. Adam refrains from hitting the guy, which he thinks is really indicative of the motherfucking sweetness and light in his soul. His cab doesn't take long to arrive, and he takes the opportunity to point it out to the paps, give them a quote about never, ever drinking and driving. Print that, you scandal whores. Nobody notices Zach slipping away to the parking lot. Adam lounges against the seat, his head pleasantly spinny. He gives the guy his address and gets a little bit of hey, you're that guy, my daughter loves you , which even now retains a little of its cool factor. Sometimes Adam's surprised how long it takes to get jaded; he figured he'd have long passed the point by now, but it's still so fucking cool. Streetlights flash across the vinyl seats and across Adam's nail polish. He wonders, now that he's got some space, if it was a really great idea to invite Zach back to his place. He wasn't expecting company tonight; God knows the place is an unholy disaster and his bedroom is probably worse. He's drunk and Zach isn't, which means he probably won't wind up calling the shots on this one, and he really likes to call the shots. What if Zach's fame makes him oblivious to Adam's own, which means instead of a rock star, he just sees a freckly Jewish kid with brown roots and a little pudge? No, Adam tells himself firmly. This is supposed to be fuck it night. He's supposed to forget all that bullshit, be who he wants to be. And the guy he wants to be is a successful, glamorous musician who's on all the VIP lists, gets laid whenever he wants, and gets drinks bought for him by hot movie stars. That's who he is , he reminds himself, and sets his jaw. "Twenty bucks," the cabbie says, and the tone of his voice suggests it isn't the first time he's said it. "Sorry, sorry." Adam digs in his pocket for his wallet, hands over a crumpled bill and climbs out. There's no Zach in sight on the darkened street, so he climbs up the stairs to his apartment - it's faster than waiting for the ancient elevator. Inside, he sweeps shit off the table and into drawers, shoves two glasses and a dish into the dishwasher, and manages to beat and kick the front closet into holding all his shoes and boots. His cell goes off then, and Adam flips it open, breathless. "Yeah, hi, hit the buzzer!" "...Hi, Adam. Did I catch you at a bad time?" Adam blinks at the phone, and pulls it away from his ear. The screen beams back at him: Kris Allen . Silently, Adam mouths a string of verbal abuse that would make his brother blush. When he's done, he puts the phone back at his ear and smiles. "Kris, hey. Not a bad time, I'm just getting back in." He heads for his bedroom while he talks, aware of the ticking clock. "Expecting company?" Kris's voice is perfectly innocent, the little fucker. He knows exactly what he's asking, he does this all the time, the perfect straight line that lets Adam infer whatever he wants. He shoulders open his bedroom door and wedges the phone under his ear so he can fling clothes into the closet with both hands. "It's cool," he says. "I have call waiting. Did you need something?" "Just wanted to touch base," he says. "You gonna be in the studio tomorrow? I wanted to play around with that riff we cooked up." Adam pulls the covers up over his bed and tries his best to smooth them down. "You know they're never gonna let us release that." "We can do it live," Kris shrugs. "We'll be at each others' concerts, won't we?" "Of course," Adam says indignantly. "I wouldn't miss it, honey, you know that." He can't quite hear Kris grin, but he's sure it's happening. "So you'll be in tomorrow?" Adam tries to say no, he really tries, but Kris's invisible smile is too cute to pass up. As ever. As fucking always. " Fine ," he sighs, much put-upon. "I'll be in at two. Maybe four. I dunno, it'll depend on my company ." "Don't wear out your throat," Kris says kindly. The little fucker . Adam tugs leather away from his burgeoning erection. "Good night, Kris." "Night, Adam." The minute he ends the call, the phone lights up again. "Hello?" Adam asks cautiously. "Hey," Zach says softly. "I'm outside your building." "I'm here," Adam says, relieved. "Buzz, I'll let you in." "That's the idea," Zach smirks, and the line goes dead. Adam makes his way to the intercom, muttering to himself. "Assholes, assholes everywhere, and not a one to bend over the table. My life, ladies and gentlemen." The harsh blare sounds right away, and Adam leans on the door button. He's got a minute or two as the elevator rattles down to Zach, so he makes a final sweep of the place and determines that there's nothing else he can take care of without serious, concerted effort. He doesn't even bother going into the bathroom - if Zach isn't comfortable washing his hands in a makeup-streaked sink, he shouldn't have taken home the guy in glitter eyeshadow. When the light knock comes, Adam unlocks the door and lets it fall open as he goes into the kitchen. "Come on in," he says, opening the fridge door for a bottle of water. (It's the one indulgence he always gave himself, no matter how broke he was - bottled water in the fridge for emergencies.) He holds the bottle out to Zach. "You want one?" "I'm okay," he says, cautiously looking around. "This is your place?" The inflection is on the your . Adam lets cold water slice through him, then puts it down with a lusty sigh. "Yeah, just me. I had a roommate, but he moved out... what, a month ago? Something like that. I could cover the rent on my own, so I just left it alone." Zach leans a hip on the counter. "Miss him?" he asks gently, and fuck him for understanding, anyway. Adam sighs. "I don't really want to talk about it, but... yeah. Sometimes." Without a word, Zach comes over and pulls Adam into a warm hug. It's like he has no idea that he's supposed to be a one-night thing, a trick, here today, gone tomorrow. Adam hugs him hard, arms around his waist and face on his shoulder, surely smudging makeup on the smooth black shirt and failing to give a goddamn. Zach rubs a hand along the back of his neck, slow and kind. "Tell me what you need," he murmurs. "Should I stay or should I go?" Adam smiles against his shoulder. "If you go there will be trouble," he half-sings, and the words smudge along with his lips against the fabric. He can feel Zach grinning against his hair. "I don't mind a little trouble," he says, and curls his fingers into a fist. He tugs gently at Adam's hair, angling his head just so, and when they kiss it feels like a relief. Adam presses his body up against Zach's, loving the slide and bump at chest and thigh. He digs his fingers into the soft shirt, presses his palm against the curve of his spine and licks into his mouth. Zach tastes like mint and coke, and Adam groans softly. They bump into the counter together and Adam's hip stings a little from the knock it takes. Zach pushes him into the corner and braces his hands behind Adam's back, fitting their hips together. "Like this?" he asks softly, his voice dark and damp and heavy on Adam's lips. Zach pushes against him hard, grinding. "This what you want?" "Mm," Adam answers, gripping those lithe hips in his hands. Zach is slender enough that he can palm them the way he likes, the tips of his fingers digging just where it starts to get curved and plush, his thumbs right in the groove. "I like these," he murmurs back, trying to pull them into a good rhythm as he pushes his face into Zach's neck. Abruptly, Zach chuckles. Adam feels it vibrate against his mouth, and pulls back. "What?" he asks, smiling even though he's not really sure what's funny yet. "Tell me if I'm wrong," Zach says, rubbing a thumb over Adam's lips. "I'm not your usual type, am I?" He rolls his eyes. "Okay, no, not really, but I don't-" Zach's grinning. "Just humor me. Usually you go for, what... moderately adorable twinks, correct?" "Not at all," Adam says haughtily. "They're pretty damn adorable twinks, thank you very much. Is this about you being a raging top? Because I could tell that much when I took you home, actually, and it's cool. You can fuck me." His heart hammers in his chest, making his cool tone a lie. But Adam knew what he was looking for back at the club - something different enough to be new - so it was the truth. Zach's grin is so sharp in the dim light, so hungry and animal. It's crazy hot, but it makes Adam a little nervous. That it'd be like this, no, he hadn't seen that coming. Zach licks his bottom lip, bites at it. "I'll keep that offer in mind," he says softly. "But let's just take it one step at a time and see what happens, hm?" Adam considers, for a half second, what it would be like to fuck this man. Hot? Yes. Terrifying, maybe. God only fucking knows. He'd want to do it in his bedroom with all the lights on so he could remember it with clarity. He nods, feeling young and not at all like he's supposed to. Zach kisses him then, soft and sweet, and just as Adam's starting to get into the swing of soft and sweet, melting and warm, Zach pulls away and slides down onto his knees. Adam's belt makes a jingling sound as it comes undone, and he has to brace his feet on the floor and lean hard against the counter, his dick throbbing in anticipation. "God, yeah," he whispers, choking the sound down, and then remembers that he doesn't have to give a fuck about his neighbors anymore. He threads his fingers into hair that feels familiar, heavy with product and scent, just like his own. "Suck it," he says, a little stronger. "Patience," Zach whispers, and opens Adam's jeans by taking each side in a hand and jerking them apart. The zipper is angry and loud in the silent apartment, and when Zach leans forward to kiss Adam's belly, it feels as illicit and dangerous and thrilling as it did the first time Adam figured out what sex was. Zach licks him then, slow and hot and destructive. Adam's self control frays satisfyingly; he rolls his hips and abandons himself to the skittering electric feeling on his skin. It's blessed relief to let that mouth strip away his thoughts, and damn, but Zach is good at it - every time Adam starts comparing or getting wistful, there's a sweep of tongue or a scrape of teeth that startles him out of it. He watches it happen, the hint of pink in it, the black hair between his own fingers as he holds it back. He's running out of breath and it's been all of a minute, which is, yes, yes, exactly what he needs. "You smell like bubble gum," Zach murmurs, casually jerking his fist along Adam's dick. "It's. I have." Adam takes a second to make his brain catch up. "My friend got me a basket from Lush." Zach's hand slows and he looks up with a smile. "Nice." "I know; they have great makeup remover." Adam's cheeks hurt with the width of his smile. He hasn't smiled during sex in a long time, and he's reveling in it. Zach rolls his eyes and stands up, takes Adam by the hand. That too is a kind of luxury, something you only do when it's new and fun. "All right, princess," Zach says, drawing him along. "Where's your bedroom?" "Through there." Adam points, then follows. He feels like he made the right decision tonight. He'll let Zach fuck him and make him forget. It'll be good, he'll be moving on, and tomorrow he'll start things off with a shower and some coffee instead of more sleep. He'll write something that isn't an angry breakup song. Zach pushes him onto the bed with a hand in the middle of his chest. Adam's back thumps against the mattress and he lets his arms fall above his head, his knee come up. He rests a boot against the covers and listens to his body buzzing with sex. "God," Zach says, and Adam looks up to see the controlled hunger in his eyes. "The things I could fucking do to you." Adam smirks and plants a foot in the middle of Zach's chest. "Go on," he says, enjoying being prey instead of predator. "Unless you like it with boots on." Zach gets this contemplative look as he draws his fingers along the chrome and leather, looking for a zipper or clasp. "Tell me something," he says. "Something about yourself. When you have a bad day, how do you unwind?" "Is this so you can get me an appropriate post-fuck thank you gift? Miss Manners suggests jewelry. I like chunky silver in rings, but rings imply something, don't you think? Better go with earrings." The leather begins to release his leg in a slow, sinful relaxing of tension. "Cute," Zach smiles. "Now answer the question." Adam groans as those fingers slip inside, underneath, pressing and stroking soreness away from his heel and the ball of his foot. "Unh. I get one of these, if I can." Zach tosses boot and sock aside, and pats his chest. "Next." Obliging him with the other boot, Adam squints contemplatively at the ceiling. "I don't know, really. Watch TV, maybe read a book. Honestly, I don't get a lot of free time these days." "Hm." Zach drops the boot to the ground, then climbs up to straddle Adam's hips with the kind of fluid skill usually reserved for the Cirque du Soleil . Adam lifts an eyebrow, impressed, but Zach ignores that in favor of starting to unbutton his own black shirt. "See, the thing about you is that you're far more tightly wound than you seem to be, but less tightly wound than you think you are. I didn't get that at first, but it's becoming clearer." Adam drops his hands to Zach's hips, just by instinct. It's also a half-conscious move to roll his hips up against the heat, pressing tight against another body. He barely even notices it. "And just what makes you think I want to listen to a total stranger tell me what my problem is?" Zach laughs as he spreads his shirt open like wings, and shrugs it off his shoulders. He's much more solidly muscled than Adam expected; he looks so skinny, but he's built in his own way. "Please," Zach smirks. "Find me a gay man who doesn't want to talk about himself." "Point," Adam grins, rubbing his thumbs in slow circles. "By all means, proceed." Zach pulls at the hem of Adam's shirt, helping him to get it over his head. "What does this mean for you, you may ask." The fabric drags over Adam's nose; he shakes out his hair and flops back onto the bed, letting his fingers coast up Zach's bare chest. There's a strong tan there that can't have come from the sun. "Is this for a role?" he asks, tugging lightly at one nipple. Zach tugs one of his in retaliation, quite a bit harder. Adam jumps, laughing, and covers it with one of his hands. "Pay attention," Zach tells him, just a hint of a smile on his face. "I'm trying to tell you how you're giving yourself an ulcer." "Ulcers come from bacteria, not stress," Adam informs him. "That's bullshit psychodrama invented by theater queens to get Evian in their dressing rooms." Fingers come tight around his balls, warm and hot and almost too firm to be pleasurable... but not quite. Adam gasps hard, and Zach's face is suddenly right there beside his, lips brushing light against his cheek. "I feel like you're not giving me the attention I'm looking for." Adam turns his face and finds that mouth with his, gets a hand in that thick black hair. Zach opens up, gives back as good as he gets, and fuck yes, that's hot. Adam licks his bottom lip, sucks his tongue - how's that for some fucking attention? "That's better," Zach murmurs, when they break apart. His hand's eased up now, circling slow and hard over Adam's cock. "You have a problem, true, but I have a cure. Are you listening, because this is important." "Mm-hm." Adam is kissing along his jaw, drinking in the smell of clean cologne and the rasp of beard along his tongue. "I want you to take this," Zach says, gripping Adam's cock with a firm hand. It's perfect pressure, thumb slipping in the slick just under the head, and Adam's eyes drift closed. It's so fucking good. Zach's throat is warm against the bridge of his nose, and it vibrates pleasantly with the depth of his voice. "And I want you to fuck me with it." "Yeah," he mumbles, and he pushes Zach's shoulder so he can get up at him, get his clothes off and - wait. He lifts his head, confused. "But I thought..." Zach touches his face, gentle and enticing. His face is completely serious, shadowed and intense. "You need to fuck someone that isn't your ex. Someone whose heart you won't break, who knows what you need from them and can offer it honestly. I'm a little surprised one of your other friends hasn't already done this for you, but... I guess I'm lucky." Adam runs his tongue over his lips, a nervous habit. He lets his hand slide down Zach's ribs, settles it over his hip. "I'm not sure I'm ready," he whispers, his eyes on Zach's mouth because he's not brave enough to meet those eyes. "It wasn't so long ago." Zach kisses him, soft and sweet. "You're not fragile," he says, and lays his hand over Adam's heart. "You're stronger than you think." Adam laughs, a little bitterness coloring the edges. "How the fuck would you know?" he asks, keeping his voice a secret between them. "Are you kidding?" Zach smiles. "You tell the whole world who you are every minute of the day. You're Adam Fucking Lambert, and you'll be Adam Fucking Lambert until the day you die, no matter what they say or how scared you get. I sent your table a round because they were drinking with you , do you get it?" Adam's breath is unsteady. He holds onto Zach's hip too hard, knows it'll leave a mark but can't let go. "I'm just a guy," he says, and it might be a protest or it might be agreeing, he's not sure yet. "Sometimes it seems like who I am is bigger than me. You know? Like I'm... faking, even though I hate fakers more than fucking anything, but... but then sometimes I really am that guy, that's really me. Sometimes I think that's who I am, I can be all of it, but I'm not sure, and maybe Drake left because I can't be all of it at once, the tour and the record and a fucking boyfriend at the same time and I-" "Stop," Zach murmurs against his mouth, arms around him. "Stop talking. Breathe." Adam does that, deliberately drawing breath as he kisses Zach back, as he pulls apart belt and zipper and pushes fabric away. This is natural, familiar; he gets Zach's cock in his hand and it's long and hot and a good weight in his palm. He takes the taste of mints off Zach's tongue and lets himself groan and whimper and make all the goddamn noise he wants. It's his bed now, anyway, fuck. "It's okay," Zach tells him, lips blurry and smeared against his own. His hips move in slow thrusts, pressing his dick into the circle of Adam's fingers, encouraging and patient. It feels like the first time, like Adam's first time; he's unaccountably nervous. "Don't worry about me," Zach says, a warm whisper. "You're going to be fine." Adam laughs and tightens his grip. The soft gasp he earns is deeply satisfying. "I hope better than fine ," he says, and braces a foot against the bed so he can roll them over. Zach laughs again when he's on his back, that lighthearted part of him showing through again. It makes Adam frown, because he can't quite tell who he's in bed with or who he's talking to. Like fucking a Magic Eye. "What?" Zach asks, touching Adam's face with a thumb. "What?" Adam kisses him, licking at the ridges inside his mouth before sliding down. He licks and bites a little, and when he's done with a pink nipple and the flat bellybutton, he rests his chin on smooth skin. "You have to be on camera," he allows, a little breathless as he looks over flushed, sweaty skin. "But you can mark me up if you want to. They kind of expect it." Zach lifts his head up to look down, meet Adam's eyes. His breath is coming faster now, a little less controlled. "I'll keep that in mind," he says, and winds hard fingers in Adam's hair. He gives a sharp little tug, and Adam lets his eyes close and his teeth grit together, like he does on stage. Zach tugs a little harder, and Adam pushes him off long enough to duck down and get that cock in his mouth. He hollows his cheeks, sucking hard. This won't last for long, but he tries to make it wet and tight and intense. Adam learned a long time ago that he liked to get a reaction, to make people shout, and that goes on stage and off. Zach isn't exactly bringing the roof down, but the more Adam gets to know this quicksilver person, the more he thinks that the barely-there growling is better than a lot of people get. And it's hot as fuck anyway, the way the sound comes when Zach thrusts his hips, the counterpoint it makes to fingernails through Adam's hair. He pulls away long enough to tease a little, flicking his tongue where it does the most good. "How do you like it?" he asks, and his voice scrapes the bottom of the tenor range. He can never get this low without sucking cock and he can never resist talking, just to hear it. "Want me to eat you out first? Finger you? Tell me." Zach presses his hips up, pushing his cock against Adam's lips so it slides just so. He's holding Adam's head for it, which, okay, that's why people like that from this end. "Bet you'd like that," Zach says, and his voice too has slipped down low. "Bet you want to make me so hot for it that I beg, like your boys." Adam can't imagine it, but the thought gets him in the balls anyway. "Wouldn't say no," he agrees, sucking hard at the skin under his mouth. "Give me your fingers," Zach instructs, his words just as slow and meticulous as the way he's grinding his cock against Adam's lips. "I want them until I'm ready, and then I want you to fuck me when I say. How I say." Adam scrambles in a drawer for lube and a condom, and then sinks back to his knees at the bedside. His heart is doing conga drum rhythms and he can't really breathe right. There's fucking hot sex, and then there's this . He kisses at Zach's cock again as he digs his fingers into fabric to pull it down and away. "Talk to me," he mumbles, lips busy as he pours lube into his fingers. "I'll do anything you fucking want so long as you keep talking , fuck." Zach give a satisfied groan as Adam rubs slick over delicate skin, circling firmly. "Noted," he murmurs, and hooks one heel on the edge of Adam's bed so he can spread his thighs. It's so fucking smug that it pricks Adam's instincts, makes him push two fingers inside instead of one. He goes slow, he doesn't want it to hurt, but if Zach thinks he'll be all cool and unaffected in Adam's bed, he'll learn different. Fingers tighten hard in Adam's hair, pulling him - but Zach doesn't say stop. The message is clear: don't dish it out if you can't take it. Well Adam can take it, fuck you very much. He leans down to drag his tongue over Zach's balls, flick it in behind as he screws his fingers in. "That feel good?" he asks, letting his voice go deep and heavy into Zach's skin. "That what you wanted?" "Another," Zach insists, the demanding bitch. He cants his hips invitingly, the muscle along his thigh standing out hard in the light from the lamp. Adam's cock leaps so hard it smacks against his belly. Brad was not like Zach in any fucking way except for how he was queen of the sheets, ruler of his domain and any fucking body in it. Adam adds the requested finger and kisses the inside of Zach's thigh, worshiping at the altar. God, good sex is fantastic. Abruptly, Zach backs away. He's shifting to lie lengthwise on the mattress, so Adam stands up and pushes the rest of his clothes off. "Hey," Zach says, and Adam looks at him. His eyes are shadowed as he rubs an open hand across his stomach, shifts his hips to make himself comfortable. He looks over Adam like an old lover, intimate and familiar. "Come up here." Adam does that, crawls up onto the bed, lies down beside him and leans in for a thorough kiss. It's a bit of a surprise for Zach, but he takes it, and that's good, because Adam wasn't about to pass up a kiss after that look. It's a battle of tongue and will, melting them together and bringing their hands and hips into it. When they finally pull apart, Adam can feel the hitch in his breathing mirrored in Zach's. "Want you," he murmurs, letting his thumb brush over the ridge of that lean hip. He feels strong and heavy; maybe Zach's his type after all. Down to his thigh, light fingertips tracing inside. "Let me," he coaxes, and kisses again. "I'll make it so good, I promise." Zach kisses him back, allows all these touches like some kind of miracle. He's still so possessed of himself, and Adam wonders what it'll be like when he loses it. "Come fuck me," Zach says, his voice rough. He touches Adam's cheek as Adam shifts over him and palms his bicep to keep him from turning over. "Just like this," Adam says, his cheeks burning and his cock just barely brushing Zach's, so fucking good. "On your back. Let me have you like this." It's impossible, but Zach lifts a languid knee and breathes deep, his body open and ready. "You can," he says, permission given. Adam can barely see anything in those black eyes, and he's really fucking looking. He kisses Zach again, hard, so he can at least see the way the red rises on those lips. Some kind of proof. It's not everything he wants, but it's something. With shaking fingers, he puts on a condom and slicks up. His fingers are buzzing and he's not really breathing right. He looks up at Zach's face and for a half second he freaks completely out. What made Zach do this? Why isn't he out in the press? Will he even like Adam when this is over? He's not ready. This isn't him, fucking some random guy when he isn't even, no, he just, he fucking can't. "Hey," Zach says, reaching up to cup the back of Adam's neck. There's a flash of mercury as he turns into the caring, understanding, mellow Zach who wouldn't hurt a fly. "Don't worry about it," he murmurs, so soft and sweet. "Kiss me a little." Adam's stomach is flipping butterflies, but he leans down anyway because it's just a kiss. A kiss won't hurt, not now. He tastes warmth on Zach's lips, warmth Adam put there himself, and that's comforting. He eats it away, kisses Zach's cheek and temple and the corner of his eye. "Promise me," he says, not really knowing what he's saying. "Later we'll do something else. I don't care what, or when. Just... something." Zach laughs, sweet and warm as he traces his fingers over the dip of Adam's spine. "I just heard backstage passes , I don't know about you." "Of course, if you want. I'd love to have you there." Adam can't help but smile along. Their heads are bent together, smiles an inch apart; nobody can get them in here. It's so fucking nice. He's slipping between Zach's thighs before he really knows it. Zach lifts to meet him, raises a knee so Adam can hook his hand under it. "Go on," he murmurs, so serious as he rubs his thumb across Adam's mouth. "Slow and shallow." Adam laughs and sucks that thumb into his mouth. Zach fucks him with it, and that's good, Adam takes that because he's carefully pressing his cock against the slick little hole and thrusting his hips, so soft, so cautious. Again and again he makes pressure, just a little more each time until finally it seems like Zach will give and he pushes a little harder. The head of his dick pops past muscle, instantly surrounding him in pressure and heat, and Adam turns his head away from Zach's hand. "Oh, fuck," he gasps, his eyes fluttering closed. "If you come, I will beat you senseless." Zach's voice is destroyed, and Adam has to look; he's lying back on the pillow, eyes closed with tension and reddened mouth open, shivering with the breaths he takes. His hair is back from his face, pure clean lines, the smudge of dark lashes on his cheeks. "You are so fucking gorgeous," Adam breathes. He presses a little deeper inside and hears the catch in Zach's groan. Sharp fingernails press into his ass, but Adam ignores it and holds still. "Easy," he whispers, kissing the shadow of beard along Zach's jaw. "It'll come back." Zach scowls, but it's true. After a second, Adam can feel him relaxing, remembering how this goes. He tries a slow, shallow thrust and watches Zach sigh, the frown line between his eyebrows not quite smoothing out, but not deepening. "So good," he murmurs, rocking his hips until Zach starts moving against him, pulling him closer. In Adam's chest there's a knot of feeling curled warm and so good; he kisses Zach's mouth, holds his fist curled loosely so Zach can fuck into it. He can feel scratches rising on his shoulders and sides, feel hot half-circles on his neck and chest, and it's all nowhere near as good as the tight clamp around his cock, the sounds that die behind Zach's gritted teeth. They slip in each other's sweat now, Adam stripped raw, and his hand stutters on Zach's body as he feels the desperate need crescendo in him. "So fucking good," he groans, voice scratched to shit. "Go on," Zach grits back, cradling Adam's body in his own. "Come, baby, do it." That's all Adam can take. He slams his hips, fucking like he's on stage and there are thousands of people shouting his name, hearing the roar in his ears and the buzz in his fingers and throat and hips, and when he comes it's a final note in a perfect song. He shakes through it, panting when it lets him go, and he feels like he's been washed clean. The world shifts as Zach gently pushes him around; Adam's a rag doll, so it's all good. Adam's on his back in a flash, Zach kneeling there beside his head with hands on the headboard. Adam knows this, loves this, yes; he wraps an arm around Zach's hips and opens his mouth, takes him as deep as he can and presses a slick finger back inside. "Oh, fuck, yeah," Zach snarls, and he fucks Adam's mouth like he owns it. Right this second, he kind of does, so Adam tries to move his tongue, to suck as best he can around the thick, hot length of it. "Oh, take it," Zach's murmuring, his hands gentle on Adam's face, brushing just under his eye. "Take it, baby, just like that. So fucking good at this, they wish they could fucking see you, oh, oh, oh yeah..." The burst of come is no surprise. Adam feels it coming and swallows what he can, holding Zach up after because he goes boneless in Adam's arms. He finds himself grinning like an idiot as he helps Zach lie down, watches this newly beloved body gasp for breath, jerk and twitch when Adam's hands brush the sensitive places. He wipes his mouth with his fingers, kisses Zach's forehead and then swings off the bed and into the bathroom to ditch the condom and wash his hands. In the mirror, he can see his eyeliner's streaked down across his cheek. He remembers Zach rubbing a thumb there, just a minute ago, just before he came. Adam touches his own fingers to the spot, rubs the excess black away out of habit, and wanders back into the room to flop on the bed. "Don't usually fuck guys in eyeliner, huh?" Zach's staring up at the ceiling, a hand behind his head, lazy as a lion in the sun. The sex flush is lingering on his cheeks, chest and shoulders, and it's glowing and beautiful. "It was definitely novel. I could change your face with my hands. It was intimidating, but... yes, I think a turn-on." Adam turns on his side, props his head on one hand and smiles. "Who are you thinking about putting in eyeliner? Don't even lie, everybody knows someone." Zach's smile is shy, and delightful for that. "My crush from work," he admits. "He'd probably do it, too; he's completely shameless." "You can borrow mine," Adam smiles. "Just send me pictures." The laugh he gets is unexpectedly loud. Zach waves a hand as though to indicate the dismissal of what he's about to say as a hopeless cause. "He'd even let me. Ut supra. " Adam doesn't know what that means, but he thinks he can guess from context. He'll google it later. He rubs a hand over his head and sighs. "You know, at times like this, I kind of wish I smoked. That was fucking amazing." "Thanks," Zach says, offhand and nice about it. "It's been a while - that way, at least." "I could tell," Adam says appreciatively. "You wanna stay over?" Zach slants a warm look at him. "If you don't mind. I have an early call, but this is closer to work and I don't want to fight my way down Sunset at rush hour." "Yeah, of course," Adam says, and leans down to kiss Zach's temple. He plans his sentence carefully, but he thinks it says everything he wants to say - inviting, warm, and firmly friendly. He owes Zach all that and more. "I'm gonna sleep in, but you're welcome to anything you want in the kitchen." Zach yawns jaw-crackingly wide, laying the back of his hand over his mouth. "If you have passable coffee, I'll survive." Adam grins at him, and then flips over to set the alarm. "It's possible. What time?" "Seven. Shit, I don't have a toothbrush." Adam hesitates only a moment. "You can have my new one," he says. "It's in the medicine cabinet. But you owe me a goddamn toothbrush." A firm hand sparks off Adam's bare hip. "Diva." As there's no arguing with that, Adam sets the alarm and then hits the light. The next morning, Adam wakes up to the harsh buzz of the alarm and slaps the shit out of it until it shuts up. He feels Zach get up and head for the bathroom, and falls back asleep immediately. He's not sure how long it is until he wakes again, but when he does the house is empty. He gets up and pads into the bathroom. There's toothbrush packaging in the trashcan and a note on the mirror in jet eyeliner: IOU. He smiles and leaves it there as he cleans up. It should be good for making Scarlett explode with curiosity later. In the kitchen, Adam finds his coffee maker still half full and warm. He pours a cup and fills it full of sugar, drinks half of it while he checks his messages. There's one from Kris about an hour ago, reminding him that he has to drag his worthless ass out to the studio today, 'cause a promise is a promise. Adam smiles and texts back something snappy about Kris's obsession with his ass being inappropriate. It's deeply satisfying; he hasn't been able to come up with a decent comeback for Kris in weeks. There's one from an unknown number at nine this morning: going w friends for dinner tomorrow night you should come along or we could play monopoly Adam peers at the number and checks it against the ones from his caller list last night. He smiles, and programs Zach's name into his phone so it'll identify him correctly. He texts back: Cant im in studio. Nx time 4 sure. Best bridge partner ull ever have. Finally, there's three from Brad and two from Danielle, all from last night and all demanding to know where he disappeared to and with whom. Adam judiciously erases them all and then sends Brad a winking face with no context. He then puts his phone on vibrate, tosses it on the couch and sets about getting ready to hit the studio. He's playing around with a few new bars in the shower, something with a badass edge to it, but fun; a mid-seventies Bowie kind of feel. It actually doesn't sound too bad.

zum africa

2009-08-02T18:22:00.003+01:00

cant get enough of this song..Colbie Caillat-Bubbly

angel street

2009-07-26T14:54:00.003+01:00

Title Fourteen Fandom Torchwood (very, very slight DW crossover, by which I mean mentions of the Doctor, and a DW pun) Pairings Jack/Ianto Gwen/Rhys Summary Alternate ending for CoE, to be continued indefinitely. Updated daily at 9pm. Ianto-centred, so Janto warnings apply. Agent Johnson plays a main role, and will later become part of the team along with Lois and possibly Andy. Nearly 10,000 hits so far. Warnings Slash (m/m) Possible unintentional Gwen-bashing Spoilers for Children of Earth Drugs, death, sex, and other "adult" themes associated with CoE I just finished Season Two. I also just realised that today is Friday. I'm not sure if you lot all made the same mistake as me, or just thought it would be funny to not correct me. Eh, I'm not bothered. I'm pretty easily confused, tbh. Most of this stems from the fact that I lost a day somewhere along the line. We're fairly sure it was Tuesday. I'm aware I'm not making any sense, but suffice it to say that my head was so jumbled and I couldn't remember anything, and I became more and more convinced that somebody had given me Retcon. Needless to say, this did not in fact help my writing schedule. Anyway. The point is that I thought I had today to write the final chapter, and tomorrow to put up the special chapter, and then it would be Saturday. Except, of course, that there are not in fact two days in the space of 24 hours. I don't know why I thought there were, I just did. So. Long story short, this is the final chapter, as promised. Tomorrow is my day off. And then, after that... we'll see. Special chapter should be up on Sunday, with a working date as to when the next episode will start. That's the plan, anyway. LONG CHAPTER IS LONG. Ianto turns to face Jack, all wide eyes and pale cheeks. "I actually thought you'd killed him," he says slowly. Jack grins at him, not a shadow of regret on his face. "No you didn't. You know me better than that." Jack strides carefully across to the fallen man. The bodyguards turn their guns on him, though he ignores them. In the split second that their attention is diverted, Lois snatches the opportunity to run across to Ianto's side. He has his own handgun, the standard Torchwood-modified Colt, gripped firmly in both hands and aimed between the two guards. He's expecting at least the threat of a shot; they all are. But both guards look completely out of their depth. There are two of them, and three members of Torchwood. Outnumbered, outgunned (Lois might be handcuffed, but her gun had still been returned along with her), and out of their depth. The one on the left appears vaguely aware that Jack, having shot the prime minister in the shoulder, is probably the one that they ought to be pointing their guns at. On the other hand, both of the guards are clearly aware of who Jack is, and therefore know that shooting him will do them little to no good whatsoever. But standing around does them no good, either. Ianto understands their confusion well. Soldiers, guards, all that military lot - they tend to be taught by the rulebook. Live by the rulebook. Die by the rulebook. And Jack... Well, Jack tends to scribble rude words all over the rulebook, rip out a few pages, and then chuck it into the fireplace. It's just sort of what he does. What he is. He's bending over Greene's body now, inspecting the wound. It's quite deep, and the bloodstain has travelled most of his shirt sleeve by this point. He turns to the two guards, who are already staring at him as though transfixed in horror. "Hey, you two. You," he says, nodding towards the guard on the left before gesturing towards Lois, "untie her. And you, apply pressure to this wound." "Is...Will he be okay?" The guard stutters, and Jack glances over at him. He's younger than he looks. "He'll be fine." He claps the young man on the back. "He's gone into shock, but the wound isn't fatal. Unfortunately for him, the bullet looks like it's lodged itself in there, and that might need some nasty surgery. The sooner you get him to a hospital, the better." "B-but you..." The young guard looks straight at Jack, a small madness in his eyes. "You shot him. You're a traitor. All of you. Torchwood traitors." Before any of them even realise what's happening, the guard has his gun out again, just inches from Jack's forehead. Jack raises both his hands slowly into the air. "Woah. Okay, calm down. Firstly, we both know that even shooting me at point blank range won't do you any good." He glances briefly over to the rest of the team and finds that Lois has been safely released, and that the other guard looks more frightened than anything else. "Secondly, there are two members of my team over there that won't hesitate to shoot you if you do. And unlike me, you won't survive it." The young man is practically in tears by this point. "You don't understand," he mumbles, hands shaking as they grip the gun. "I have to. You're a traitor. I have to. It's my duty." Jack watches the struggle in the young man's face. He's heard those words too many times before to believe that the boy won't do it. Duty can drive someone to madness all too easily. "Listen to me." Jack's voice is as commanding and as reassuring as he can make it. "Greene is very much still alive, but his wound needs treating. Okay? You need to get him to a hospital. You need to take care of him. That's your duty." The young man shakes his head vigorously, never taking his eyes off Jack or his fingers off the gun. "I have to," he whispers. For the second time in such a short period, a gun is fired in the alley. But it isn't fired at Jack. Nor is it fired by any of the Torchwood team. In unison, the three others turn to face the guard that uncuffed Lois. "You shot your own teammate," Jack says, eyebrows raised. The guard simply nods. "Yeah. Billy never did know what was good for him. Only a stun bullet, though. That's all we're loaded with." Jack regards him for a moment. "Well, that's always useful info to know. What's your name?" "Jude." Ianto stifles a snigger. "Well, hey, Jude." Jack grins. "D'you think you could help us shift Billy and Greene into the back of the car?" Ianto frowns at Jack. "I thought that we were taking the SUV." Jack shoots him a withering look. "That was before we had two casualties. If you want to be cleaning blood from the seats for the next month, then-" "No, that's fine," Ianto says, hands lifted slightly as a sign of surrender. "Just saying." "Don't. Less talk, more lift." Ianto quirks his eyebrows briefly at Jack, earning him an amused yet disapproving expression in return. It takes them several minutes that they scarcely have to shift the unconscious duo onto the back seat, and Lois and Jude both end up having to squeeze in alongside. This, Ianto points out regularly on the journey, is the problem with having six people in a five-seater car. To which Lois replies rather scathingly that he isn't really in a position to complain seeing as he's in the front seat next to Jack rather than being squashed between a complete stranger and a bleeding shoulder. The recurring argument is interrupted at regular intervals by Jack swerving around a corner at high speed, at which point the conversation turns to questions of who decided to let Jack drive, and accusatory glares all around. It's partly thanks - though the shaken others would never admit it - to Jack's reckless driving that they get to the hospital so quickly. A quick flash of ID from Jack, and occasionally from Jude, and both patients are zipped through to A&E with minimum fuss. Just another part of Torchwood - no matter what you do, questions aren't asked. Unless, of course, it's Torchwood doing the asking. And Jack has a lot of questions right now. It's all Ianto can do to restrain him from hijacking the car once more and driving straight back to Thames House to sort this out. But Lois claims that she can sort the whole mess out, and thankfully Jack is curious enough to see the new girl in action. Once more, a phone call is made. This time, there are no threats, no blackmail, no underhanded activity. None that's evident, anyway. Instead, they play the waiting game, sitting on cold plastic chairs until a certain woman arrives. Lois turns to Jack after enough time has elapsed that magazines have been picked up, put down, thrown across the room in frustration (the latter being Jack, and Ianto shoots him a look that makes him pick it up again. "Were you being serious, earlier?" "When?" "When you called me a member of your team." She doesn't seem quite able to look him in the eye. Jack breaks into a grin. "That depends. Do you want me to have been serious?" "Yes." "In that case, welcome aboard." Her eyes widen, as though she can barely take it in. Ianto smiles at her. "Nice to have someone new on the team. One condition, though." She looks at him, mouth hanging slightly open in worry, or anticipation. Maybe both. "Yeah. No dying." He grimaces at her. "Been enough death for a while." "I'll do my best, sir." She taps her forehead with the front two fingers of her right hand, and Jack offers her a full salute in return. It's at this moment that the woman arrives from the door behind Lois. "I wasn't expecting a salute, Captain." Her smile is stiff. Jack might break into a grin if he recognised the woman from anywhere else. But he has only seen this woman once before, and that was through the contact lenses that Lois had been wearing. Which means that this woman was present in the boardroom when the decision was made to sacrifice millions of children across the world. Which makes her very much an enemy in Jack's eyes. And yet Lois greets her with a smile, a brief hug. "Lois Habiba, just whose side are you on?" Jack glares at her. The smile falls from Lois' face. "Perhaps I should explain, Captain. This is Bridget Spears, the Prime Minister's-" "Oh, I know who she is." Jack's voice is deadpan. "Then you should know, Captain," Bridget says, stepping towards him, "that Lois and I have been working against the Prime Minister together. I believe these are yours." She presses the contact lense case into Jack's hand. "You'll find there's enough footage for you to have Greene tried as a traitor to the crown. And to clear Torchwood of all charges." He frowns, first at the case, then at her. "Why are you helping us?" She holds his gaze. "Because, Captain, as a machine is more than the sum of its parts, so Earth is worth more than every individual on the planet. And when an individual decides that Torchwood, defenders of the Earth, are worth eliminating, then that individual must be stopped for the sake of Planet Earth." Ianto nods. "Yup. Definitely a politician." "Oh, definitely." Jack exhales sharply. "So what now? We have Greene arrested, you take his place?" Bridget looks at him. "Temporarily." "I've heard that one before." "Captain, if it will ease your mind, I'll sign a contract to step down within 12 months." "This," Jack says, gesturing around angrily, "happened in five days. A lot of damage can happen in 12 months." "A lot of damage can happen any day, Captain." Her face is unsmiling, though nonetheless piercing for it. "That is, after all, why Torchwood were created." Jack stares at her for a long, heavy moment. "All right. But your word on this isn't strong enough. I want documents signed, I want official release forms issued, I want all the paperwork dealt with. I want this done officially." "Red tape," Ianto remarks, with a hint of surprise. "Yeah." Jack runs a hand through his hair. "And I want you," he continues, turning to Jude, "to watch her. Watch her, and watch over her. If she so much as puts a foot out of line, you contact me immediately." Bridget glances from Jude to Lois before resting on Jack once more. "Are you attempting to recruit our entire taskforce, Captain Harkness? Torchwood work for the government. Not the other way around." He fixes her a smile as lacking in warmth as any of hers. "Actually, we're above and beyond the government. Always have been. Torchwood work for Planet Earth, ma'am." He smirks before leaning in closer. "And please. Call me Jack." With a wink and a flourish of his coat, Jack turns on his heel and exits, closely followed by Ianto and Lois. Bridget Spears is left standing alone in the corridor save for a bodyguard that she very much doubts is for her own protection. - Day has broken at last by the time the three of them return to Torchwood One's former base. What greets them is not what any could truthfully describe as a pretty sight. Largely because angry husbands rarely are. "Where the bloody 'ell have you been?" Gwen holds him back by the corner of his jacket. "Let me handle this." She strides straight up to Jack and slaps him hard across the cheek. The redness is still visible even after he regains his balance. "Where the bloody hell have you been, you bastard? You call me back and I come running, and you're not even bloody here!" Jack rubs a hand across his cheek and attempts to lay the other hand on Gwen's shoulder, though she quickly shrugs it off. "Gwen, let me explain." "Oh, you'd better believe you've got a hell of a lot of explaining to do, Jack." She catches sight of Ianto biting his tongue, and jabs a finger at him. "Don't think you're off the hook so easily, either, Ianto. You're just as much to blame." "I wasn't laughing at that-" Ianto's explanation is cut short by Gwen grabbing his arm and dragging him and Jack towards the warehouse. Lois follows, glancing in alarm at Rhys, who merely rolls his eyes. Clearly, his anger hasn't dissipated any more than Gwen's has. Her tirade is interrupted by a shout from behind. "Captain!" Gwen temporarily lets go of Jack's arm, and he turns in surprise to see Anna running towards them. He nods at her. "Agent Johnson." Her eyebrows crease into a slightly confused frown. "Anna." "Agent Johnson," Jack repeats. "It was Anna while we were allies. But now that the Earth's safe and sound once more, the rulebook's back. Red tape." "What if I wanted to switch to a different rulebook?" Something about her seems suddenly breathless. He regards her for a moment, weighing up the situation. "You're not just saying that to avoid Retcon?" She smirks. "I'd forgotten all about it." "Ooh, punny." Jack grins. "Tempting, very tempting. We could use more humour around here." "Oh, and..." She takes a deep breath. "I've also been told to inform you that the Torchwood Hub has started reconstruction." Jack looks completely taken aback. "What?" "As I said before, Captain. I've been working for the government for the best part of eight years now. I have experience, and I have contacts." She pauses to allow herself a proud smile. "Naturally, we're unable to reinstall the technology for you, but the basic infrastructure is being rebuilt and repaired." Jack's expression is one of disbelief. "That was your urgent call?" "They misplaced some of the blueprints." Gwen looks at her curiously for a moment before smirking. "You really want to join us." "I thought I'd made that fairly clear," Anna replies. "You do know that being part of Torchwood significantly lowers your life expectancy, right?" Ianto glances at her, then at Jack. "I'm aware of that, yes." Jack grins and steps forward to take her hand. "Then welcome aboard, Anna. We could do with a new medical officer, and you were pretty damned impressive with Holly. What happened to the little girl, anyway?" "She's been taken into custody." Gwen looks at her in concern. "Will she be all right?" "She's suffering from trauma, and her arm will take several months to heal, but she'll recover eventually." "What I think she meant," Rhys interrupts, "is whether a little girl is safe in the hands of a government that, earlier today, was willing to hand millions of children over to a bunch of cracked up aliens." Anna smiles. "She'll be taken care of. You have my word." "Speaking of taking care of things, how's Bridget Spears coping with the paperwork?" Jack raises an eyebrow. "She was filling out a number of forms when I last checked on the situation," Anna replies. "Strange thing, though." "Oh?" Jack looks across at her. "During the encounter with the 456, a lot of government files mysteriously disappeared." "Shame, that." Jack grins. The rest of the team can't help but grin back. Even Rhys cracks a smile at long last.

vastus

2009-07-23T14:37:00.003+01:00

So I received The American Community Survey, otherwise known as the US census. I know that it's time-sensitive, but I set it aside. Then I got another one, and I was like, oh, yeah, I'd better take care of that! At which time I realized that both of them were addressed to my neighbor. Now I have to get both of these envelopes to my neighbor. Does my neighbor have my census? Did my neighbor fill out my census for my address with his information? If my neighbor doesn't have it, does someone else on the street? Or was I never intended to receive one? My local postal worker knew that he was delivering the census. He knows that it's a time-sensitive government document. Why wouldn't he double-check the addresses?

cordialotron

2009-07-21T14:47:00.001+01:00

le sigh. I need some money, I want to buy diapers!

time to tell

2009-07-15T17:36:00.002+01:00

It looks like I will be heading to Blackhat and DefCon towards the end of this month. I am looking forward to it. Further, it appears I may be heading to San Diego for some penetration testing training this Fall. Good Times! Pretty lonley here in Lynchburg. I've spent most of my weekends hiking up in the mountains. It's peaceful there. I did som ehiking in the mountains in the rain. That was...magical. My lease is up Sept 1st, so probably in a couple weeks I will start looking for a new place. I've been mulling around the idea of getting a roommate.

the torture garden

2009-07-13T10:40:00.004+01:00

would it be harsh to call you uninspired? i won't forget the day that god gave up and tried to retire and when the stars came out, i watched them shine but the world just kept on spinning i'm not a classy kind of guy and maybe i was wrong but i'll insulate my words tonight maybe i was right all along what's your name? tell me, what's your sign? the pillow camped on my doorstep won't be safe for me tonight and maybe one last drink is all i need to make the goldfish in my head stop swimming and when the sky comes crashing down you can hide under my bed if you prove to me that you've earned your place there earned your place right here

cinderella's big score

2009-07-09T16:13:00.000+01:00

Last night some weather front came through just when i went to bed. All hell broke loose, temp dropped, gusty winds, but no storms that i could see. i slept like crap, and was in a lot of pain. i wonder if there is something else going on with my hip, as that was a big cause for my lack of slkeep. I had the stabbing pain in my left calve and ankle, but usually i can fall asleep with those. And here my nephews will be over today, i am not in the mood.

Positive

2009-07-07T14:39:00.000+01:00

A friend of my boss gave me an assortment of furniture and appliances that she didn't need because she was moving into a furnished condo. I scored a bigger refrigerator with a working freezer, a washing machine, and a kitchen table with a couple chairs. All nice stuff, the lady has good taste. So after more than a year, I rediscover how great it is to be able to make your own ice cubes. Especially in this beastly summer humidity. Get me a Slap Chop and my kitchen will be all set

Push

2009-07-05T14:18:00.001+01:00

Title: Future In Her HandsAuthor:Fandom: Merlin BBCPairing: Morgana/Arthur, one mention of Gwen/ArthurSpoilers: From 1.08 onwards, this story goes off on a tangent, but there are still some slight spoilersRating: PG-13Word Count: 1626Disclaimer: I don’t own Merlin BBC or the folktale from which it’s based. Summary: Morgana finds out about her future, and how she became to be Morgana Le FayAuthor's Notes: I essentially tried to “re-shift” the legend back. So this is a story on how Morgana becomes a sorceress and Camelot’s enemy. Ignore how the crappy bits. Oh no wait, that’s all of them… Morgana has horrible dreams.Dreams of ransacked castles, screaming children, burning flesh. They come sporadically. Sometimes one after the other, thick and fast, repetitive, relentless. Other times not for months. She has come to fear them because she does not understand them. However that does not stop her from hazarding a guess. One that if proven true will bring her more pain than freedom.It’s easy to brush them off. Surely dreaming of your favourite type of cake being presented to you on the eve of your birthday is simply anticipation. Hardly a premonition. No, she is not a prophetess or a witch, and any dream suggesting otherwise is merely a coincidence. Dreams are the arbitrary twistings of everyday images to form a pointless story. This is repeated in every book, and further affirmed by Gaisus’ kind words of reassurance. And for now she’s content with these half truths and her own denial.So when her nightmare comes to life she is aghast. Sophia is painfully real. Her warm skin, clear eyes, sharp wit all point to her undeniable existence. It’s like watching monsters from a picture book leap off the page before her very eyes. Morgana’s dreams have never ever been so physically close to her. Although this isn’t the first time she’d dreamt of another human being, they’d generally been nameless faces. Crying peasants, dead watchmen, generic soldiers. People far away from the safe haven of Camelot. Gaius sooths her worries with empty words, but Morgana remains nervous. She can’t fight that feeling, the one in the pit of her stomach, running through her very veins. Something terrible is going to happen, unless she can stop it.Anxiety built up from the sight of Arthur’s fleeing back dissipates at his surly frown as he recounts his tale of fake elopement. He rushes quickly through the details, claiming not to remember them, and Morgana obliges with an I told you so. They’re a half hearted attempt to put the past behind them. She teases both his weakness for pretty women and his physical inability to overpower Merlin, but as she leaves Arthur’s bedchamber, her knowing smile falls from her face. She’s no longer smug, but insecure. That was too close. If Merlin hadn’t knocked Arthur out, where would he be now? Somewhere east of the river, a bloated bug eyed body to be found a month later in some poor fisherman’s net? Morgana can’t rely on Merlin, Gaius, Uther or Arthur himself to help her. She can’t expect men to assist her with just an elegant wave of her hand. She has to be strong and leave the comfortable known behind for the murky depths. For the first time that night, she welcomes the dreams. Pours the concoction into a vase of lilies, and invites the nightmares to come. The fear, the pain but also the truth. The night ahead is perilous, and she wakes up with a scream.Yet, from them she discovers many things. They are not always unpleasant. Not always hunger stricken villages and sick children. Her dreams present to her another reality. Sometimes she sees plentiful harvests, rain after a three year drought, flowers in bloom and it’s these dreams that awaken her with a wistful sigh and a knowing smile. But perhaps the greatest knowledge is that the future is liable to change. She does not see battlefields littered with dead bodies as an approaching reality but a warning. The images do not taunt her, but whisper to her and only her. The future is wonderful, because it has not happened yet, and Morgana feels empowered. She alone has the ability to control tomorrow, bend it to her will and sow the seeds of today.Subsequently she tentatively tries her hand at magic. For hasn’t she already proven to be naturally predisposed? It’s little things from a small forbidden book bought under the cover of darkness. In fact it’s less of a book and more of a brochure, designed for the aspiring magician, back when magic was legal. It does not instruct one on how to best split the world in two, or how to bring the sky crashing onto one’s shoulders contrary to popular belief. The booklet only provides Morgana with easy small spells on moving objects, multiplying them, and morphing them slightly, but it’s a start. A glorious start. Not before long though, Morgana seeks out more spells, everywhere she imagines they might be. In old abandoned libraries, among the druids. Moving brooms just aren’t enough, and the power of manipulating objects, having them listen to her is intoxicating. Magic itself is intoxicating, the feel of magic teeming underneath her fingertips always sends tingles up her spine. It brings her new found confidence, not only in her beauty, but now in her skills. She’s no longer the king’s ward, available to the highest bidder or the little girl too big for her boots, whining to fight with a sword too heavy for her to hold. Morgana has her own niche now, and it suits her perfectly. So it doesn’t come as a surprise to her when she pulls Arthur Pendragon, future king of Camelot (that she knows for certain) into a dark corner, and kisses him with the force of two colliding canon balls. It’s more than a little rough, and both of their lips sustain heavy injuries, but it’s liberating, and a perfect climax to her own little love story. He’s appropriately surprised, and for a horrifying second his fingers catch at the material on her hips as if to push her away. To remind her of her stupidity, to ignore the game they’ve been playing. But they only pull her in closer, and she sighs, granting his tongue entrance, his heart admittance, his soul acceptance. It continues on for a little while. Their own dance around a fire of feelings. His eyes flit to hers during festivals, not with the gentle look of a dreamer, but with the spark of carnal knowledge. Arthur doesn’t declare to his knights he’s sleeping with the love of his life, and in turn Morgana doesn’t whisper to her ladies in waiting of her impending nuptials. It’s a secret, a secret without meaning to be one, another something for the just the two of them. They both know which path they’re heading towards. He’ll ask his father for her hand, Uther will beam with pride, accept his offer, and she will become Queen of Camelot. Morgana’s begun to quite like that title now. The way it sounds, the implications it brings. Gwen was right. She was meant to be queen. To rule. Nothing else can compare, and she can’t remember if she ever wanted anything else, but Morgana knows with unassailable confidence that it’s what she wants now. Arthur’s crowning ceremony brings joy. The whole city celebrates at the promise of a better future, led by a better king. A wonderful world where speech is free again and magic no longer forbidden. Morgana has been practicing her magic secretly, preparing for the day she can show the kingdom her great art form, protect them for incoming danger with her gift. And perhaps she’s a little too eager. Perhaps sometimes she wishes for Uther’s death. It begins as an absentminded thought, born from a fit of anger. If only he were gone. A shocking thought Morgana reprimands herself for even thinking, but a true one. Life would be easier without his narrow views, his strict “moral” codes. Besides, Arthur would be better by far. She knows that, the country knows that, history knows that. It’s dark outside, the candles lighting the corridor flicker and the all too familiar tingle alerts Morgana’s senses to the magic in the air. Not the kind she can create with an intense stare, but the kind Arthur evokes teaming with tales of possibility. The night is silent for a moment, before quick footsteps and the sweep of a red cloak against stone breaks the soundlessness of her own breathing. In an instant his arms are around her waist, mouth, desperately searching for her lips. She’s pressed against the cold limestone wall, hands struggling to free the cumbersome cape, lost to his caresses and the most beautiful sound she’s ever heard. I love you.It’s still dark when Morgana awakes with a jerk, sitting bolt upright in bed. Arthur groans somewhere to her left, his hand subconsciously searching for her, any part of her to hold, and settles for her upper thigh. He sighs, and the balance in his world has been restored again, but the warmth and security of his hand does nothing to ease her mind. Her dream has left her cold, chilling her to the core. She gasps for breath and waits for the world to turn back to the way it’s suppose to be. Morgana dreams, not of flourishing barley fields or dead carcasses floating in stagnant water. This dream, nightmare, is much worse. The torches are lit, the grand hall decorated in the customary gold and red. People are merry, their unmistakable voices of delight carry far, far away. No immediate danger threatens the kingdom’s happiness and everything looks and feels perfect. Uther stands, hair slightly greyer, stomach slightly larger. He beams with pride, and the teaming anticipation of the crowd manifests itself in an intense buzzing. The light seems brightest at the grand table, to the right of Uther. Uther clears his throat, and begins: “To my son, Arthur and his new wife. May they live a long and prosperous life with many children”. The crowd murmurs in universal agreement as they raises their glasses, and repeats in unison:To Prince Arthur and his Queen, Guinevere.Something terrible is about to happen, and Morgana doesn’t even know if she can stop it.

Unafraid to linger

2009-07-03T14:33:00.000+01:00

Dunno why now suddenly having bad headache...So dun feel like blogging much..... Hmm....Today went out with kenneth... Den meet TT to pass TT something.... Den come home...... Tml school.....

Perfume

2009-07-01T14:28:00.000+01:00

We have two trees outside our doorstep. I bought a dress online a week ago and i was wondering why i hadn't received it yet, so on Tuesday when i step outside the house for the first time in 48 hours i spotted a grey package in one of the trees. The post person must have given up on the trek to our doorstep and dumped it in the tree. I was not impressed, especially as their is only a couple of steps that are between the tree and the letterbox/doorbell.

Further

2009-06-28T15:44:00.004+01:00

I hope, you get the message. Tomorrow's the start of the last semester in school, I hope everything goes well in this sem, and I hope that nothing will go wrong, be it my studies or my friendships, I am really thankful for the people I've met and for the friendship we all have, because without them, part of me wouldn't be me today, esp Minxue, Ernest, Lilin, and Kahyarn, though we've all hated each other so much, but through it, I've learnt so much from them. To be honest, I'm really not feeling alright, all about how to do well for prelims, and then to the real big O, the mixed feelings and all, Sunday service restrictions, I really wished that I could be closer to God that way, but it seemed like I can only be closer to God through bible reading at home, and prayers, for the next 19 more sundays to go, before Os will be over. I hope I'll just become stronger during these four months to come, manage my emotion well though I've got almost no faith in myself, afterall, it's been almost three years, and close to four years with the girls, plus my new found best mates in school, aw. . . God, I know You'll be there for me, strengthening me, giving me light, helping me to live by faith, and not by sight, to have love, patience, goodness, kindess, faithfulness, self-control, gentleness , joy, and peace.

Steam

2009-06-26T17:34:00.003+01:00

i may not know about any of that buisness with dear landlord's new cd but i'm still stoked stoked stoked on this damn 7 inch. i'm going to fucking freak out on high fives, oh my god. minnesota is so soon! i'm trying to figure out how i'm getting home still. if i can find a reasonably close twon to effie then i'll bus it, scary as that sounds, but i might have to fork over the 220 for a return flight out of hibbing... boo hibbing. stoked about shakespeare in the park when i get back! the merry wives of windsor, texas, motherfuckers!

No means no

2008-07-12T15:23:00.004+01:00

My heart is beating faster and my breaths are shalow. And in my dream, your birth month would affect the results of an STD testablished I think my mind is telling me that the sexual relationship with DC is a bad idea. For $50,000: Would you let someone drop you off in the middle of nowhere with no map, compass or any possesions? Who would you like to be, dream self or real self? Name 3 people in history, living or dead, you'd like to have lunch with?

How would you like to die? Name 3 famous people you'd like to have fantastic sex with? The current population of the world is 6,388,971,752 people.

Taking a fairly standard assumption that males make up roughly 49% of world population, that places their number at approximately 3,130,596,159.

Warpshire

2008-06-15T18:10:00.002+01:00

This could cause problems and confusion: however, part of the hazing ritual involved when you come onto my staff is a humiliating nickname, as well as getting certain vital editorial style manual rules tattooed on your ass, so I guess that's problem solved right there. I should also apologize for this email coming out of the blue. It just makes it harder to take when God gets a running start and kicks you square in the nuts. What do you guys make of all this? When I come here for the weekend, it's always inevitable that at some point, there will be nooky. At least it's nice and cold nowadays, that's always good.

The only one i know

2008-06-08T15:45:00.002+01:00

Why wait any longer for the one you love?
What is Love? I'm allergic to soap, but if you mean the shows, then prolly Mary's Place.... lol, half of you don't even know what that is. And if you give it half a chance...
Yet, the money and job stability just doesnt seem to be happening with this person, and you are not too sure it will ever be great? How are you going to have a successful family?
Gee, my heart is really breaking for your family illnesses, relationships gone awry and the fight with your own personal demons. My dad is a really smart man.. he was accepted to William and Mary when he was a senior in high school.. but he is getting older now and i really think he is starting to lose it. Can't be bothered typing much but this is really cute and 1 of the 2 part Pin Up Toons series. I see the future in your eyes / Why was I searching so long when you were there the whole time? There are many flavours of Judaism, just as there are many flavours of Protestantism, and since this was our first time attending a reconstructionist synagogue I wasn't exactly sure what would be appropriate to wear.

You'll find a way

2008-06-05T15:59:00.002+01:00

Memory is a tenuous thing, like a rainbow's end or a camera with failing lens. Sometimes my focus is sharp, every detail clear as th splashes of ice, fringing th eaves; other times it is a hazy field of frost, like the meadow outside my window. My Ipod died on me just when an angel gave me 800 new songs t upload. There is this thingamajig which looks rather fondly like nose shit stuck in th hole where my earpiece should go. And i feel like a mom bringing my not so intellectual song t th hospital t get that pencil stuck in his ear out.

Mushaboom

2008-06-01T16:55:00.002+01:00

As I was fixing myself a drink I heard a voice. And I will follow my faith, to a much higher road................ And though they may not stop, I will no longer take them in............ It wasnt funny though! And I WILL burn off all the calories if I have to stay there for three hours.

The riddle's standard

2008-05-29T15:17:00.002+01:00

Where is all the holly jolly attitude coming from? And shes getting older and these are going to be the years where she needs us. I tried my luck with Aaron, my best friend for four years throughout primary school, and delivered the letter personally into his letterbox. At last I re-connected with the friend I was hanging with when I wrote that entry.
I know these things about myself, and I warn the people in my life, and I try to be clear about letting people vent if they need to vent without getting feedback or advice from me.... but for fuck's sake, I'm one of those friends who will tell you you're being an asshole if I think you're being an asshole. The flavor of which - is up to her.
Do your friends know about it?: Yes. If anything, I have dissed other people in my life like the Boy and my best friend L.

Red alert

2008-05-25T15:46:00.004+01:00

Red was screaming through her self-imposed gag, and pushing back hard against my thrusts.

It was less than an hour since Red had picked me up and already I was hard as fucking diamond and as for her, I thought the poor girl was going to start climbing the walls of the car. That's one way to keep warm in a house that is always fucking freezing, I guess...

All Im asking for is a little tiny room in their new big spacious house. I of course approve of Colonialism & Cntrol, since punitive expeditions and crusades are the only way to keep Natives and Los Foreignji in line, to keep them from trying to overturn the bases of the wealthy, secular, libertine culture I'm fond of and/or aspire to. We continued to watch the sunset, and revisited the topic of colonialism and its aftereffects in Hawaii, in sort of a rambling fashion. We climbed into the truck wrapped in towels, and stopped at a lookout point just up the hill from Olowalu to watch the sun set. Stay in until the evening, when it'd be a nice warm evening to go out to the pub.

Some of the best musicians, singers, actors, dancers, ball players, and preachers in the state had come from the city of Absanie.

Watching the first few letters of the alphabet go by while you're stuck in the middle.

The return

2008-05-21T17:28:00.002+01:00

Who heard about the $25,000 sundae? Or the $175 burger? If you have, then I trust you share my amusement. Though you can't help but be curious as to what makes such usually simple foods, so expensive. The sundae includes a golden spoon (18k if I remember correctly) and a diamond and gold bracelet that you can keep after you finish with the ice cream that includes gold leaf. Very expensive neh? Though I'm just curious about the taste. I mean, sure, very nice ingredients with different types of rare chocolate from all over the world, but does it taste as expensive as it's priced? Anyway, I believe I will continue my rant on food another time because I have found something more important to talk about... -- Koby's Message: Yeah, he's that Sandy. He's pretty hot, huh. Me: HELL YES! xx

Pandemonium

2008-05-18T14:25:00.002+01:00

Just letting you know I care... He was probably 19 and never could legally drink and talk about it, so he let all of us know just how drunk he got off of his five Red Bulls and Vodka. We never get to talk these days, and she always seems to catch me when I'm logging off or just in a generally foul mood. Can you all just come and live here? Just live and prosper, jumpy one. And when I called her last night to tell her my good news?

He sells a few bottles to tony restaurants in Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York, and gives cases of it to friends like Oprah Winfrey and Steve Martin.

I guess he did a 1 night stand with her, and she was feeln' that.

You wish

2008-05-14T17:20:00.003+01:00

Please leave me a note if you're confused about who anyone is.

What makes you better at it than anyone else? What is the most important thing to you in a relationship?

I'll be 19 in about 3 weeks, go me! And the Pi Kaps did much better, it seemed they got about 8-10 guys. What about Kevin? Your in a relationship of 5 years and your mate cheats on you.

It was cold and rainy, the sky clouded over and grey, no going outside without a coat on.

I wouldnt want to let you leave without finishing the job.

The job?

It is the soldier who salutes the flag, serves beneath the flag, whose coffin is draped by the flag, who gives that protester the freedom to abuse and burn that flag.

The background image is part of a painting called Higher Calling by Carter Goodrich which graced the cover of the Aug. Kids, don't try viewing this at home without Netscape 6 or IE 4.5+, a screen resolution of 800 X 600 and the font Mead Bold firmly ensconced on your hard drive. This template is a riff on a design by the truly talented Quinn.

Here I am

2008-05-11T14:49:00.003+01:00

Happy Mothers' Day :) Went Bugis with family today. Tried The Soup Spoon and it was... not what i'd expected. Haha. Mine was some Velvety Mushroom Spaganoff. Their soup are all really thick, so thick that it made my mouth full of the taste. Quite fan3 wei4 actually. Lol. Shopped around after that while waiting for my Dad to reach. And after some time, had dinner at Sakae Teppanyaki. Not bad, really full. Two rounds of pool near the DHL balloon and home. Black ants everywhere. Hahaha. Pictures up soon, some device problems. Why are Children's Day and Teachers' Day holidays, but not Mothers'/Fathers' Day? Aren't our parents more important and noble? Back to square one.

Movement

2008-05-08T15:41:00.002+01:00

so i awoke w/3 cats sleeping on me... not a horrible way to wake up, until the biting started. jake works a short shift today. good thing b/c we have to go get my mother's day gift. good thing that we still had last years cards left-over, since they didn't get sent out due to the whole moving back across the country-thing. we have a consultation w/ an eye surgeon soon. grrrrrreat. can be nothing but good news. as always. i mean, don't get me wrog, i'm not being an angerball, i just want to not see 2 of everything. look at me, i'm posi. woooooooo. i'm pretty excited about prince caspian, even though i was totally bored by the book 15 years ago. why? b/c i'm a fucking girl! i liked all of the other chronicles of narnia, but that one was boring! oh yeah, god god god, i love god. (that was for c.s.lewis) so,jake and i actually talked this morning about politics. we're such an adult-married couple. i still haven't decided what side of the conversation i come out on...it'll come. i miss the 'fight club' poster that 6 and holman took from me. //they learned no compassion from their anguish. thus their suffering was wasted.// i totally want to go to the drive-in this year. we should see prince caspian there. things and things. //hell ain't nothing lasting forever, hell is change.//

Preserve thy loneliness

2008-05-04T14:51:00.002+01:00

Recent Links... There's no ghosts left. But there was never a sequel to RTW. Thus, height and weight are usually stated in inches and pounds, but everything else is metric. There's my apology. In Lahaina there are, John claims, no more frustrated Fuhrers laying down the law; part of the deal is that he is the studio manager, has the final word, and can use the facilities for whatever he wants when the studio is dark. For the price of a plane ticket, I can, theoretically, go loll on the beach in Maui and then head to the studio for a relaxed recording session... This morning John, my friend and musical collaborator for the past seven years, left for Maui, where he will be managing a studio in Lahaina. As the sun rose over the rooftops and our conversation continued, I shrugged off any uncertainty I had felt and decided to accept what I seemed to know.

Freedom is freedom even if it looks like a ghost

2008-05-01T14:32:00.004+01:00

But I want her to have her freedom too. I want us to be safe but im worried there is no real safe place anymore.
As they laid there and the movie came to an end, they began to talk about random things. Those stereotypical guys types that talk about how women are all emotional and they talk to much about feelings and stuff like that? We split 3 pitchers of beer, which is about 6 beers each and ate dinner. I saw about 20 minutes of it, and in that time they aired Alanis Morissette's You Oughta Know, which is a song I have liked much better since it stopped being so popular, Kelly Osbourne's Papa Don't Preach, a pretentious and arty video by Sonic Youth, and this one. And that really sucks, because they are one of the top chapters of their fraternity in the entire nation. Yup, Eldest Son, Daughter and Hubby are all sleeping in the great frigid outdoors. Then there is the dual fear of going out and finding that other job. Its just then that the boy draws you in and makes his own mutterings about what a beautiful place this is, how hes happy to be there with you, and he says, I have an idea You look over and out of nowhere hes down on his knee.

Hunter

2008-04-27T17:05:00.007+01:00

Then we hit the Cassiar highway, or rather, it hit us. We still get the occasional whork-festablished but believe me, it's WAY better.

So it's the first day of Kitty Cam'ing, what have we learned? So here's mine and what it means to me. So, until we get it on, our conversations seem almost a little banal in nature because we haven't taken care of what we really should have in the beginning! I guess because I realize that we want totally different things and though the times we have together are amazing, we can't both be happy.

Isn't it lame how a lot of my entries seem to be talking about DiaryLand a fair amount? I have not worked out hardly at all, and when I did, it stressed me out even more because I don't think that I will be able to be ready for the Homecoming 5K in 3 weekends... I think sometime today Ill work on learing how to make my own desktop themes. Search the body and theirs no hole....

When everyone had left, we stayed to swim and slide and soak in the hot tub.

If a social science class mislabeled something according to your faith, would you correct the teacher/t. a./professor aloud during class, or voice your objections quietly during the break? Obviously my mom had a huge impact on my life; and of course not only by joining the class for lunch one day nearly fifteen years ago. Of course none but me knew that the racket had already broken, or that he was just having a bit of fun.

Aftermath

2008-04-24T16:39:00.006+01:00

In order for me to proceed here at my work, I must admit that I am not deaf, and no matter how hard I try to fit in here, it won't work because I don't really fit in anywhere. Like Sara, I am n outsider, or at least, unable to join deaf culture because I am not deaf. Deaf culture is something extremely exclusive, and if you lack the necessary skills to communicate, you'll be able to understand it. I didn't do much with the HBS yesterday as I was busy setting up the frog tank. Yes, that's right, we have little adorable froggies now. There are four in the tank and two have been removed to the larger 29 gallon tank. Not sure if that's where they will stay permenantly (it's awfully large for such small critters), but at least it's snug and secure from cat curiosity

Glass house

2008-04-20T16:50:00.002+01:00

Found while cleaning -- written around this time last year -- two examples of me saying really stupid things in public. At least one of them (the first) was a Diogenes joke. And I don't think the other was heard by anyone. I'm pretty sure I didn't post these anywhere, and they're just too pathetic not to now. --- (notes from a weekend with family) My brother entered the cabin carrying the kerosene heater by the coiled wire handle. He fought the ill-fitted door shut, let loose a staccato jig to bare his boots of snow, and walked to the center of the room. He held the heater up like a titanic lantern before him and squinted against the sunlight. "Looking for a very large honest man?" I said. "Beer," he deftly parried. ------------------------------------------------------------- On the way out of town we stopped for gas. My brother backed the van up to the pump, cut the engine, and dug out two wrinkled dollars from the center console. "Go grab a Diet Pepsi for me while I pump gas," he said, handing me the two bills. I walked across to the entrance and held the door open for a young couple as they exited. I looked back toward the van in time to see my brother let out a muffled curse as gasoline spurted from the pump onto his sleeve. Inside, I pulled a 1-liter bottle of Diet Pepsi from the refrigerator case, and paused to admire the drinks closing ranks behind it. It was on sale for $1.99. I got in line at the counter behind a small blonde-haired woman in a puffy down coat and tight, worn jeans. She looked familiar. I stood a few paces behind her to let foot traffic flow, and watched as she ordered a pack of Marlboro Lights from the amazon behind the register. I stared at her back and let my vision blur, trying to figure out where I'd seen this woman before. As she waited for the cashier to verify her identity, she looked over her shoulder at me and squinted maliciously, as if to say "Stop looking at my ass you fat pervert." I turned away and pretended to take sudden interest in the SlimJims display. My palms were sweating. She paid and left. I remembered I'd gone to high school with her. I placed the Pepsi on the counter, and straightened out the sweat-damp money in my hand. One of the bills had a deep rust-red stain across Washington's stoic portrait. The cashier tittered at the register as she rung up my purchase. I smoothed the bills a few times on my leg so I'd feel less like we'd just pulled up in a rusted out VW van -- in tattered, paint-splotched clothing -- to perv-out on customers, spill gasoline on ourselves, and buy discounted Pepsi with blood stained, wrinkled, and soggy dollar bills. "One ninety-nine," the cashier said. The sun was blinding behind her. "Two bucks," I said, sliding the bills across to her. They left a slug-trail of moisture on the hot counter. She picked up the money, scrunched up her face a little and said, "Two ducks." I hesitated for a moment, and then mumbled, "I'd rather have two chicks." I regretted it immediately. ------

Tiger stripes beats

2008-04-17T13:51:00.002+01:00

She just doesn't feel like it. It's been just one big emotional roller coaster this week. That blows my mind because I couldn't imagine anything being better than that., but I know it is just a matter of time. I wasn't freakishly quiet, though I did go through a quiet period, now that I think about it, plenty of others at the table didn't say much, either.

I don't know if it was out of resentment for the fact I couldn't have him, or it was someone telling me I shouldn't, I couldn't have him.

Stop living his life because I *might* need him sometime and he should always be there to take care of me and help me? I feel, so, so whats the word... ah yes annoyed with people who think that i am something that i'm not when i barely even know them. All I felt I had left was Sarah, the long time girlfriend that was always by my side. I was stupid for putting up with it and being so naďve and he was dumb for doing it to me. So I missed Latin, which is the class I should have gone to - all I did in art was the TCE and the crossword puzzle. It's like being in the part of the mall where they have all those scents crowded together, trying to make you leave the store.

Bombermen

2008-04-13T15:38:00.001+01:00

What happened? That messes up my sleep pattern, because I wake up and think it really happened and it really matters. And it so turns out that he is going too!!! Like I said he seems really cool and I would like to extend my circle of friends as much as possible. And to be cast aside for anyone at that point, would cause the same amount of pain.

Wield piece

2008-04-10T16:06:00.001+01:00

The best piece of music I've ever heard in my life is Bach's "Passacaglia in c minor." This is one of the pieces I would like to have played at my funeral, whenever that is. In lieu of a eulogy, I would like this piece played, as it moves me to absolute tears, more than any other piece of music, due to its sheer beauty.

Glimpses of war

2008-04-06T14:43:00.004+01:00

Are you old enough to remember seeing all of the Staw Wars movies in the theater when they FIRST came out? Winning enough money in the lottery to only work because I want to, and to do that at a comic store. Your chances of winning the lottery are slightly higher then your chances of living through the night.

Please remember that in order for these templates to work you must host your own images if you direct link the template will absolutely not work. If you think that it's strange that you ran out of gas because you thought you had a full tank, shoot yourself instead. Think about the movies Truman and The Running man when you think about this question. IE which ten movies appeals to you enough to watch over and over.

Burning from the inside

2008-04-02T16:43:00.008+01:00

Yup. It's time to come clean and tell the story of how I got my ass kicked by a lug nut last Wednesday. That's right. Mr. Musclecar Driving Gearhead got schooled by a lugnut. The story goes like this... I was leaving work Wednesday around five-ish, looking forward to some time with my family and learning with my friend Avi. As I get to my car, I see the right rear tire is flat. No big deal, I think. I don't mind changing tires. I get out my spare, my jack, my lug wrench and set everything where I need it. Then, I pop the center-cap off of the wheel, and there it is - a special lug nut. No problem, I think. I'll just grab the adapter for the lug wrench and... No adapter. The previous owner left me without it. Instead, there was another special lugnut that had been broken and left in the bag with the lug wrench. A friend who lives near my house drives by as I'm noticing this, so I pack everything up and get a ride home. When I get home, I can't find my vice grips, so I got borrow one from a neighbor. As I get back to the house, my Mom pulls up, so I got her to give me a ride back to my car in the parking garage at work. We park next to the car and I start working on the lugnut with the vice grips. No luck. The outside was just too rounded and I couldn't get enough grip to break it loose. Next step, I called AAA. My exact words: "I have a locking lugnut and no key. Can you help me?" Her reply: "Hold please. Sure. Someone will be there in the next 45 minutes." We hang out for 45 minutes until a guy in a pickup arrives. He gets out, looks at the wheel, looks at me and says, "You have the key to this lugnut, don't you?" "No. That's why I called you. I don't have the key." "Well, AAA didn't say nothin' about no lugnut key. You mean you've been going all this time without a key?!" "I guess so. Hence my calling AAA. Can you get it off?" "I don't know. Why didn't AAA say anything about a lug nut key? You told them right?!" At this point, my cell phone rings. It's the lady from AAA. "Sir, we don't carry lugnut keys." "Fine. Go away. You can go home, too if you can't get it off." So, the shmuck in the pickup truck leaves, and I call my friend Avi who I'm supposed to be learning about Passover with at this point, and he comes out ten minutes later with his own tools. He can't get it off. Finally, I say, "Let's break it." So, we jam a screwdriver in there, and Avi, who is a trained SEAL, starts whaling away on the lugnut. And it doesn't break! Now it's just mangled. And we still can't get it to turn with the vice grips - especially after we manage to break the end of the screwdriver off in the lugnut. So, I threw my hands up and said that I guess I'll have to throw that fix-a-flat crap into the tire to drive it out of the garage and try again in my own garage. Avi happens to have a can of fix-a-flat. So, I break one of the cardinal rules of auto-maintenance and I use fix-a-flat. I drive it home, top off the air in the tire, and grab a bigger hammer and screwdriver and begin whaling away on the lugnut again. This time, I break the bigger screwdriver, and I also manage to break the lugnut. AND IT STILL WON'T COME OFF. The next morning, I drive it to the mechanic's shop near my house. I hand them the keys. I look at the guy and say, "I mangled the locking lugnut trying to break it off because I don't have the key. Don't say anything. Don't get annoyed with me. Just get the lugnut off, please." He took 'em all off for me so no more locking lugnuts. He charged me $65. And he put the spare on for me so I could take the tire home and patch it. And it only took him ALL DAY. The spare is BRIGHT YELLOW. My Miata is WHITE. The damn car looked like a sunny-side-up egg driving down the road. And I have to have this spare on for FOUR DAYS until I get a chance to patch the tire. Monday night, I finally go to patch the tire only to find out IT DIDN'T NEED PATCHING. There was no nail in there like I thought - only an older patch that must've leaked. I leak tested it again and it was holding because now the inside of the tire is covered in fix-a-flat goop. It wasn't even worth pulling the patch. So, it turns out I didn't need to spend four days driving an egg. Anybody who wants to steal my wheels, feel free. There are no locking lugnuts on there anymore. Freaking Mazda.

Hello voyager

2008-03-30T16:11:00.001+01:00

It hasn't been entirely smooth sailing but I'm doing good I know I haven't been updating about my personal life lately because alot of things are still so uncertain But know that I'm doing well and happy right now :P

Jacob

2008-03-27T16:23:00.003Z

She said it was all she could do to keep from busting up laughing. It really hurt and I was yelling and Selina was laughing.

I am so spoiled and have had central air my whole life so sleeping without a/c is really unbearable. I am betting that Chander told Dan and Howard that he was not going to give me a raise and that it was Dan's job to tell me. I was trying to put my arm piercing in when Gabe announced that the street was going to be turned into a makeshift dance floor. Well that night me and Shane tried to watch our movie again because we missed part of it, but Brantley came in and started kissing me while Jayden beat up Shane. Well we had to go because we were supposed to be having dinner so we start walking home with Shane's friend Luke when the boy starts chasing us with a stick. Shes supposed to come up and see me the last week of September. My best friend in the world and I'm gonna be one of her bridesmaids!

Anorexia gas balloon

2008-03-23T14:05:00.004Z

I wouldn't know an organic vegetable if it landed in my salad.

I'm just unhappy and I don't know what I want to do about it let alone do with myself. Me: and I don't know what's going to happen when I go to Austin, but at least we're taking risks and trying to do things to improve our lives. I don't know what's going to happen.. I don't know what I can do about it now, though.

I don't really know what the point of this letter is.

Dixit dominus

2008-03-21T16:47:00.002Z

Her dad is sooo awesome too! He is growing his hair out too.

How is this scenario effecting the operation of Kakiseni. com and how does it shape the content delivery within Kakiseni. com as well as the audience? In my personal capacity, the existence of Kakiseni. com is timely and important. I don't know how toilets and sewer systems work either, but that doesn't make 'em any less important to me...

International bullet proof talent

2008-03-16T14:51:00.002Z

It is Sunday morning about seven and a half hours before the men's tournament bracket is released. The women's bracket will be released tomorrow night. At this point, here's how I see the top seeds: MEN EAST (CHARLOTTE) #1 Seed North Carolina #2 Seed Tennessee #3 Seed Pittsburgh #4 Seed Notre Dame MIDWEST (DETROIT) #1 Seed Kansas/Texas Winner #2 Seed Georgetown #3 Seed Duke #4 Seed Butler SOUTH (HOUSTON) #1 Seed Memphis #2 Seed Kansas/Texas Loser #3 Seed Stanford #4 Seed Xavier WEST (ANAHEIM) #1 Seed UCLA #2 Seed Wisconsin #3 Seed Drake #4 Seed Louisville WOMEN GREENSBORO #1 Seed North Carolina #2 Seed Baylor #3 Seed Old Dominion #4 Seed West Virginia NEW ORLEANS #1 Seed Connecticut #2 Seed Louisiana State #3 Seed Duke #4 Seed Oklahoma State OKLAHOMA CITY #1 Seed Tennessee #2 Seed Rutgers #3 Seed California #4 Seed Oklahoma SPOKANE #1 Seed Stanford #2 Seed Maryland #3 Seed Texas A&M #4 Seed Utah We'll see how it compares to the official brackets.

My world is empty without you

2008-03-09T15:13:00.003Z

If you would like to pay for 3 months of Gold membership for almost-goth, click the button below.

Because the world says so? Because I'm a html 'tard, I got alot of pity coding to modify it from Ms. And never cross the open field, because of that one snake in the grass..........

What the fuck did I do that was so wrong? It's no secret to those who know me that I love the holidays - anything that allows me more time with my family and more days away from work to cook and eat and do all kinds of fun things like that is glorious.

Even if the only thing he ever liked about me was the idea that he might score with me. But don't waste your breath telling that to the leaders of my party today. Hah, catching buckets, that is what he will call it. The girl that lived upstairs said that she saw him messing with my door when she got home and heard me ask what he was doing in my house, and then him having his ass kicked a few minutes later. There is nothing in the world that will make you angrier than knowing someone is in your house going through your stuff, taking whatever he wants. That you have a two headed penis?

I'll never understand guys with there damn cars but whatever. I never would have found it in there.. i wouldnt have even thought to look.. and it was a school book... i told mrs.

Hot on the heels of love

2008-03-06T14:34:00.004Z

so another day goes by and mas selamat nowhere to be found. on other news. my mom doesnt believe that there are cooking and gardening games on the nintendo wii and insist on buying an xbox360 if i were to get a gaming console. her rational, "I JUST WANT TO KILL THE KING THIS TIME" the last time i let her play a game on my computer, she killed kyle katarn's girlfriend and when she did a light-saber throw, the saber did not come back. (the game was Jedi Outcast) throughout the entire time i played the game, my light saber always came back. my mom is a genius when it comes to playing games. so an xbox 360 it is. with a new star wars game, Force Unleashed. check out the trailer. i seriously cant wait for this to come out! jeeeeez. another one to add to the lists of games to play. 1.Call of Duty 4 2.Assassins Creed 3.Force Unleashed

1980

2008-03-02T13:45:00.001Z

Good night:) Did i mention, my period came on 29th feb! which is a leapyear day or whatever you call it and i was pretty pissed abt it BECAUSE my period ended on 9th feb and hello it comes again in the SAME MONTH? No wonder i keep feeling SO hungry the other time so my menses was coming! Hmmm, stupid idiot. I hate periods. It makes me so weak cause of heavy blood loss haha. Alright, i love shinhwa because they are all so funnny and all, love them to bits. Tmr! Gg to open a bank acc with mom to put all the money in HAHAHAHHAHHA so excited so i can withdraw money from now on, awesome OR NOT HUH. MUST CONTROL GEN MUST CONTROL, or else all the money will be gone! but its my money anw. Plus i gave 20dollars for offering today, abit little but like more than what i give usually? ten times more haha but i aint feeling sad or whatever, im feeling pretty happy and glad about it. I think if i gave ten, i'll regret like siao. Okay sweeties, guhnight. Cant wait for morn tmr, DNYBY and TKA :D Ok paiseh thing, my mp3 wasnt locked today so i pressed on it and the dnyby song was playing damn loudly, i thought how come i kept hearing it during sermon wth -.- in the end, it wasnt off, omg i dont wanna think abt how much batt was wasted! apparently, i went to lock it immediately haha damn stupid then the song play EVEN louder cause of the chorus, ahh anw all settled. Only ling heard it so its fine. alright night.

20 jazz funk greats

2008-02-28T15:58:00.005Z

Which, I've never really done because I've kept going back to visit people that I know there. I don't want to talk to anyone about this because I hate for people to feel sorry for me and so here I am talking to a computer! Yet, the money and job stability just doesnt seem to be happening with this person, and you are not too sure it will ever be great? What if you are with someone that you believe is the one to marry.

Mustela Erminea Nippon

2008-02-24T15:13:00.002Z

I mean, you didnt really have a choice, but you could have gone back to sleep, but you didnt.

Please remember that in order for these templates to work you must host your own images if you direct link the template will absolutely not work. I worked on my Top Secret Project, cleaned my room, added a MIDI to my webpage, and made him a template... One in which it is okay to smash yourself in the balls with your own hand several times in a couple of seconds. But you will, although I fear you will see the answer when it is too late to save yourself. I thought Traffic was pretty good, although I got a little tired of Soderbergh's color thing: okay, I get it, Mexico is YELLOW, the United States is BLUE. I thought I would post my answers to the questions here.

Aly, walk with me

2008-02-20T16:34:00.002Z

Jeepers your gonna hate this..haha Simply put an "X" in all the situations that have happened to you! 1. [x] I have walked into a glass/screen door. 2. [x] I have tripped on my shoelace and fallen. 3. [x ] I have choked on my own spit and thought I were gonna die. 4. [] I've seen the Matrix a bunch of times and still don't get it. 5. [ ] I type only with my pointer fingers. 6. [ x] I have "accidentally" caught something on fire. 7. [ ] I've told a cop to fuck off 8. [x] I have attempted to sip out of a straw but it accidentally went into my nose, rather than my mouth. 9. [x] I have thought of something funny, and laughed out loud and people looked at me weird. 10. [] I've caught myself drooling 11. [x ] I've "accidentally" caused an explosion. TOTAL SO FAR: 7 12. [ ] If someone says the word "duty", I can't help but laugh. 13. [x] I've been into a "Do Not Enter" one way road plenty of times. 14. [x ] Sometimes I just...stop thinking & zone out. 15. [ ] It is POSSIBLE to lick your elbow... 16. [x] I just tried to lick my elbow. 17. [x] People often shake their heads and walk away from me. 18. [x] People often tell me to use my "inside voice" 19. [x] Gum has fallen out of my mouth while talking. 20. [x] I use my fingers to do simple math. 21. [ ] I've jumped off a moving vehicle 22. [ ] I've eaten a bug for $5 or less. TOTAL SO FAR: 13 23. [x] I'm taking this test when I should be doing something more important. 24. [ ] I repost chain letters because I'm scared of what they threaten will happen if I don't. 25. [ x] I've removed my pants when I was with friends. 26. [] I've ran around naked when I was with friends 27. [x] I've searched all over the place for something, and then realized it was in my hand the whole time. 28. [x] I "accidentally break" a lot of things. 29. [] My friends know not to use big words on me. 30. [x] I put my head to the side when I'm confused. 31. [x] Sometimes I start telling a story and suddenly forget what I'm talking about. 32. [x] I've fallen out of my chair before. 33. [ ] When I'm laying in bed, I sometimes stare at the ceiling and try to find pictures and words in the texture. GRAND TOTAL: 20 Tally up your number of x's. Uh-oh, here comes math!- MULTIPLY THAT NUMBER BY 3 TO GET YOUR PERCENTAGE. Repost this as "I am _% Stupid"

Theme from the pigdom come

2008-02-17T16:49:00.002Z

AU Viggo/Elijah Summer of Love “ Part Nine For the second time in as many days, Elijah got home as the dawn was breaking, once more a passenger in Viggo's car. They had barely spoken since Viggo had said those six words to him, Elijah's mind whirling, out of control. But still, oddly, the atmosphere in the car was calm. We're here, Elijah said, looking out of the window. Thanks. You're welcome. Viggo switched off the engine and they sat quietly, each lost in their own thoughts. Did you mean it? Elijah said finally. Why? You don't even know me, don't know anything about me. I think I know more about you than a lot of people, Viggo replied. You tell me things, remember? It's like getting blood from a stone, but you're slowly starting to tell me things, and I don't think you do that with other people “ not with anybody else. Elijah heard the creak of leather as Viggo shifted on his seat, but he refused to look, although he could feel Viggo's intense gaze boring into the side of his head. I don't know why I told you all those things, he said finally. There's something about you that makes me relax, I suppose. Believe in you. He snorted. Which makes me sound a bit pathetic. No, Viggo replied. It doesn't do that. He paused, and Elijah heard him move again, then jumped slightly as a finger, feather-light, brushed against his cheek. He turned his head then and met Viggo's eyes. You want me to love you? Maybe I'm not able to do that. I think you're able to do whatever it is you set your mind to. Viggo moved his hand away and Elijah felt the lack of the touch, reaching out before he could stop himself, resting his hand on Viggo's leg. That's the first time you've touched me, I think, Viggo said softly. Is that progress? I don't know. Elijah looked down at his hand. Maybe. He looked up again. Come inside. Are you sure? I don't know what will happen in there. Neither do I, Elijah admitted. I think maybe we should talk a little bit, maybe try and decide where we go from here." We. The word came out on a sigh. Is there going to be a we, then? Elijah shook his head. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore, and it's your fault. He moved his hand away. Come inside. We can christen your glass. He waited until Viggo had locked the car before moving to the door of the house and digging in his pocket for the key. Sliding it into the lock he opened the door and stood aside for Viggo to precede him. Viggo moved into the lounge at Elijah's gesture, and froze in the doorway. Oh. What? Elijah stepped forward. Oh. The place looked as if a bomb had hit it. All the boxes Elijah had spent the afternoon packing were ripped open, their contents strewn around the room. The sofa and the not-quite-matching chairs had been ripped open, the leather gaping obscenely and showing the yellowish foam inside. The walls were covered in writing “ what looked almost to be a child's handwriting “ obscenities mainly. Without realising it, Elijah had stepped towards Viggo, who wrapped him in his arms, and they stood like that for a long time before Elijah realised what he had done and made to move away. Don't, Viggo said, tightening his arms slightly before relaxing them, giving Elijah the choice. Please, just for a minute. Elijah stopped and let himself be held, surprised at the security he felt. I have to find him, he said finally, pushing away, although gently, letting his hand linger on Viggo's chest. He may be here. Be careful, Viggo said. He's obviously totally unstable. He's been unstable all his life, Elijah said, feeling his lips twitch in what was almost a smile. He moved out of the lounge towards the kitchen. Nothing. This room was undamaged; the refrigerator door stood wide open, the milk bottle smashed on the floor, but compared to the devastation in the lounge, this was nothing, and Elijah, with barely a second thought, simply closed the fridge door before leaving the room. I didn't realise he was so angry, he said as he climbed the stairs, Viggo close behind him. He never thought to question why Viggo was still there, shadowing him, but he drew comfort from it. When I was a kid, he said softly as he approached the top of the stairs, Paulie would tell me ghost stories, all about the monsters who live under the bed or hide in closets. All the time, the monsters were much, much closer, and Paulie was sheltering me from them. I never knew, not for years. Knew what? Viggo's voice was soft in the gloom of the early morning. That daddy was the monster, Elijah said, surprised at the ease with which it slipped out, horrified at the realisation that he had finally admitted something he had kept to himself all those years. And admitted it whilst climbing a flight of stairs looking for his errant brother; not even admitted deep in the darkest of nights when secrets should be told. What does that mean? Elijah could hear it in Viggo's voice; the reluctant awareness of exactly what he had meant, and the absolute refusal to acknowledge it. What did he do? Elijah didn't answer. Instead he paused at the top of the stairs and glanced around. His bedroom door was ajar; he never left the door open, and with a nod to himself he moved towards it, pushing it open with one hand. Where have you been? Paulie was sitting on Elijah's bed, his eyes wild, a bottle of some kind of near-raw spirit in one hand “ Elijah could smell it from where he stood. The other hand was out of sight, resting on the bed. There was another smell as well, one that made Elijah's nose twitch. Amphetamine. It had a distinct, peculiar odour, and his room “ his inner sanctum “ stank of it. Paulie was drunk and high. Well? Paulie took a swig of the drink, coughing slightly at the strength of it. Been out earning some money? That ass of yours has paid serious dividends over the years. I was out, Elijah answered carefully. I was out with a friend. Do you have any friends? I've never seen you with anybody who isn't a customer. You don't do friends, that's what you always said. Paulie let go of the bottle and wiped at the sweat on his face before scrubbing his hand on the white sheets of Elijah's bed. Elijah felt the air move behind him and momentarily regretted that Viggo was with him; this was something he needed to do alone, he didn't need the added distraction of Viggo. Him? Paulie's eyes widened momentarily. Is that who you were with? He doesn't look rich enough to pay you very much. He laughed, a harsh sound. Or are you taking on anybody now that you're freelance? Your standards must have dropped seriously if you're offering him a fuck. Elijah reached behind him, his hand connecting with some part of Viggo's body “ an arm, he realised immediately. He slid his hand down until he could squeeze Viggo's fingers, and the returning squeeze was warm and comforting. The message had been passed and understood; Viggo would stay silent, no matter what. So what are you doing here? He released Viggo's hand and took a step into the room “ his room. He tried to see what Paulie was holding in his other hand, but Paulie, even in his drunken, drugged state, was sharp enough to shift his body and keep whatever it was shielded. Did you do all that damage downstairs? Why not? It's not mine, after all. You made that pretty clear. Wanted to give you something to remember me by. Paulie took another swig from the bottle. I came up here to do the same, but you came home instead. I thought you'd be here. He paused. Hoped you'd be here. Well, I'm here now, Elijah said. Why? Do you want to say something to me? I did it all for you. Paulie finally looked directly at Elijah, although his eyes flickered briefly to Viggo, still standing silently in the doorway. Every little thing I did for you. I know you did. Elijah took another step forward, unsure what to do. He had seen Paulie drunk, he had seen him high and in various combinations of the two conditions; but he had never felt before that he was in any kind of danger. This time though, he could sense it; every hair on the back of his neck was prickling with it. He had felt like this before, on jobs, and he had learned to heed it; the jobs had always gone badly, been dangerous. It was how he felt now; Paulie was dangerous, and Elijah wasn't sure which way to tread to diffuse the situation. I know you did, he said again. How many blow jobs do you reckon you've given in your life? Paulie asked. Hundreds, thousands? I don't know, Elijah replied. Why does it matter? I've probably only ever done it maybe a dozen times, but I can remember them all. I can remember how he tasted and the sounds he made. I'll bet you can't even remember the last one you doled out. It had been Viggo. Viggo had been the last person he had sucked, but Elijah didn't respond. He liked that, Paulie continued. He wanted you to do it to him as well. I made sure that you never did. But you've made me do it ever since, Elijah said. I've paid for what he did to you, for the protection you offered me, every day since I was fifteen years old. He took another step, then another. Maybe if I'd done it to him then I would never have done this, we would never have done this. Shall I let you into a little secret? Paulie whispered the words theatrically, and he tilted his head, inviting Elijah closer. C'mere, little brother and I'll tell you a secret. I'm fine here, Elijah replied, still a good three feet away from Paulie. Now that he was so close he could smell him, rank and unwashed. Have you been at Wendy's? Where have you been? It doesn't really matter, does it? I've been off having a good time, getting high. Wendy's a tart, she doesn't want to know anything about me now that my little brother has thrown me out. Poor Wendy thinks maybe she was chasing the wrong brother. Another swig from the bottle. I told her, of course, told her that she'd have no chance with you because she didn't have a cock. My little brother likes cock, I said, not cunt. My brother's just a fairy. He glanced over Elijah's shoulder to where Viggo still stood silently in the doorway. Do you like his cock? Does he like yours? Is he your boyfriend? The last word was spoken in a sing-song tone, and Elijah heard Viggo shift. He held out his hand in a strange, placating gesture, trying to calm both of them before anything else was said. Paulie Come here. With a speed that surprised Elijah, Paulie's hand shot out and grabbed Elijah's arm, pulling him forward, off balance, until he was pressed against Paulie's knees. Trying to keep his balance he put out one hand and rested it against Paulie's shoulder before he tried to push himself away, but Paulie hung on too tightly. My big secret, Paulie said. Is that I fucking hate you. So pretty, so popular. So in demand. And you like cock. Maybe daddy chose the wrong son to fuck, what do you think? Maybe you'd have gone to him with pleasure. Fucking hell, don't! Elijah pulled back again, feeling his arm being twisted as Paulie raised the hand that he had been hiding, revealing the carving knife they had never used. Elijah! It was the first thing Viggo had said, and Paulie's gaze shot around. You stay right where you fucking are! He raised the knife a little higher until it was resting against Elijah's belly. You try and come to the rescue of this little damsel and I'll fucking gut him right in front of you. He pressed the knife a little harder and Elijah felt the tip of it break his skin. Sweat broke out on his upper lip and under his arms, but he held himself as still as he could. It's all right, he said finally, to either Viggo or Paulie, maybe to both of them. Everything will be all right. Thing is, Paulie said, almost conversationally, that it won't be all right. Things have been said, little Lijah, things that shouldn't have been said. He moved the knife and sliced off one of the buttons on Elijah's shirt, then moved the knife, slicing through the rest of them, pushing the sides apart, exposing Elijah's chest. You take that off now. Why? Because I said so, and because I've got a knife that's just itching to slide into your belly. Paulie pressed a little harder, just to make his point. So go on. Elijah, don't. Viggo stepped forward then and Paulie twisted the point of the knife, making him freeze. Stay there, Elijah said, turning his head so that he could see Viggo's face, swallowing at the expression he saw; anger and fear and a complete confusion as to what he should do. I'm sorry, he said then, and watched as Viggo's hands clenched against his own belly, pressing down against the spot where the knife was digging into Elijah's skin. I'm sorry that you're here. Wouldn't be anywhere else, Viggo replied then, his lips trying to quirk in a smile. You see, you can't go anywhere, lover, Paulie slurred, flicking at the sides of Elijah's shirt with the knife. Because you'd go running for the police wouldn't you, trying to be all heroic. But by the time you'd run downstairs and dialled 999, he'd be lying in a pool of blood with his guts all over the floor. He laughed, a slurred and cruel sound. So maybe you should stay here and see what I'm going to do. Do you even know? Viggo's voice was full of contempt. You talk a good talk, Paulie, but look at you. Don't, Elijah said then, finally letting the shirt slide off his shoulders, shivering slightly even though the air was warm and heavy in the room. That's right, don't, Paulie said. Good boy, Lijah. Okay, let's see. What do you like your men to do? Do you like them to do this? He leaned forward and licked obscenely at the trace of blood on Elijah's belly. Elijah tried to pull away, but Paulie's hand had moved around to press against the small of his back, and at the same time his thighs were pressed tightly against Elijah's legs, effectively trapping him. He forced himself to stand still, his fists clenched, his eyes gazing into the middle distance, trying to shut down his mind. Like that? Paulie raised his head. What else? He slid the knife up Elijah's chest until the cold metal rested against a soft nipple, and Elijah couldn't help but flinch, making Paulie laugh. If you're going to fuck me, then fuck me, Elijah said at last. Maybe that's what you've always wanted? Maybe this whole thing “ this whole business that you've run has been you sublimating, what do you think? He looked down at Paulie, putting as much contempt as possible into his stare. You're drunk, and you're high. So you can fuck your brother and then drink away the guilt. He staggered back as Paulie stood up then, although he didn't get far, the hand holding the knife tangling in his hair and holding him still. Fuck you? Paulie's face was scant inches away from his, stale breath gusting into his face. If that's what you want, who am I to argue? You going to call me daddy? He reached down and Elijah froze momentarily as he felt his trousers being unfastened, Paulie's hand sliding inside to cup his cock, squeezing hard and making him squirm. Stop! Viggo, unable to take any more, ran forward, pulling at Elijah, trying to get him away, and with a roar of anger, Paulie turned on him, the knife held out at arm's length. I told you! His voice was almost a scream. I told you to mind your own fucking business! Elijah turned and shoved Viggo hard in the chest, sending him staggering across the room until he fell gracelessly onto his backside and then turned back to Paulie, dismissing him. Viggo was safe, that was what mattered. Paulie he began, his voice as calm as he could make it. Come on, man. Fuck you! Paulie's voice raise again, shrill and beyond reason. It's all your fucking fault! He raised the knife then, taking a wild swing, and without thinking, Elijah grabbed at him, trying to stop it before it started, before Paulie caused any injury to either of them. There was a brief, ridiculous struggle as Paulie, by far the bigger and most powerful, fought free of Elijah's grip. They both collapsed onto the bed, Paulie falling backwards and pulling Elijah with him, and then there was an odd stillness before Elijah, lying on top of Paulie, felt his brother's body give a huge, convulsive shudder, and then still. Okay? he said after a second in which there was no sound. Paulie, are you calm now? He pushed himself slowly backwards, and then he froze, and just stared, his mind unable to process what he was seeing. The knife was protruding obscenely from Paulie's belly “ he put his hands on his own belly, feeling the blood there, realising there was too much to have come from the tiny cuts Paulie had made. He looked down and then back at Paulie. So much blood. So much. Elijah. He felt Viggo's hands on his shoulders. My god, Elijah! Are you all right? He shrugged away from Viggo and moved towards Paulie, putting his hands on the knife, tensing as if to pull it out before Viggo's hand over his own stopped him. What? We have to get this out. He's hurt. He blinked. There's so much blood. Paulie? Paulie, come on. Elijah, come away. Oh God! Suddenly it struck him what had happened, what he had done, and he reared away from Viggo's touch and from Paulie, lying still on the bed. He wiped his hands on his trousers and then looked down at them before wiping them again and again. Oh, Jesus, Paulie He looked at Viggo then and could see his expression reflected in those transparent eyes. Oh, Jesus. Stop now. Viggo reached out, but Elijah flinched away, glancing down at Paulie lying on the bed. He realised that he was still wiping his hands on his trousers and he made himself stop, clasping them together in an attitude that seemed ridiculously close to a prayer. I killed him, he said then, his voice sounding odd and hollow. I just killed my fucking brother. You didn't mean to, Viggo said immediately. It was an accident. He was trying to hurt you. It's no excuse, Elijah said, shaking his head. It's no excuse at all. He shivered suddenly, and wrapped his arms around himself. Oh, fucking hell. He's dead. He turned and rested his face against the wall, his shivering growing in intensity. God, God, God When Viggo touched him, he turned without thinking and let himself be held, his face resting in the crook of Viggo's neck, inhaling the scent and warmth of him, wishing he could somehow absorb that warmth into himself. They stayed like that for a minute and then Elijah pushed himself away. You should go, he said. You don't want to be caught up in my sordid little life, especially now that it's going to get a whole lot more sordid and complicated. I'll wait until you've gone and then I'll call for help. Don't be stupid! Viggo snapped. As if I would leave you alone now. I witnessed it all, Elijah; I know that he was going to hurt you, I heard him threaten you. He cupped Elijah's face. Now, look at me, Elijah. Elijah, surprising himself, did as he was told, focusing on Viggo's clear gaze. We will do this together. We walked into it together, and we will deal with it together. I am going to make sure that you are never alone again, do you understand? He pulled Elijah into another strong embrace. You've been alone too long. Why? Elijah knew he should pull away, should say something about being strong, about not needing anybody, but he was cold, and Viggo was so warm. Why would you do this for a whore? Don't use that word, Viggo said softly, his hands soft on Elijah's back. And you know why; I've told you why. God. Elijah finally pulled away and looked once again at the bed, some foolish part of his mind expecting Paulie to have moved, or to stand up now and pull the knife out, showing him that it had all been a stupid joke, a trick to pay him back for some slight. But of course, it wasn't, and he didn't. He was still there, lying on Elijah's bed, his eyes wide and staring, as if surprised at what had happened. You should put some clothes on, Viggo said. And then perhaps we should call the police. Elijah heard the words but didn't respond, jumping when Viggo's hands once again touched his shoulders. Stop it. What? Elijah asked, confused. Stop what? Your hands. Stop it. Elijah looked down, and a strangled laugh was forced from his throat. I thought only heroines in melodramas stood and wrung their hands, he said then. Guess I was wrong. With a huge effort, he stilled his hands which had been slowly rubbing over each other, as if trying to wash off the blood, wash off what had happened. He stank of blood; Paulie's blood. He had killed his brother and now things could never be the same again.

The urge always comes when it's time to

2008-02-13T14:23:00.002Z

of not getting out of school in freaking July. Yup, another snow day. You know why I despise snow days? I have nothing to do. Apparently the roads are so bad I can't go over Deanna's, or Evan's, or to the Goodwill to get new clothes, or to the gym. So I'm stuck home all day with nothing to do. I have two books and those'll be done by noon, no doubt. Today's "Love is the Movement" by TWLOHA. I had this whole elaborate design for my arm and NO ONE besides Amber, Dave, and Mom will see it. I'll take a picture and post it though. Just for you. Fuck snow. It ruins life.

Premonition

2008-02-10T12:41:00.001Z

New spirits.

I don't even know me anymore. I can't even listen to the whole thing with full attention anymore. You yourself are self-destructing, but you cover the rubble with pomposity so no one will ever know that there's really nothing to you.

People are just f*ing assholes, and there is no right way to approach them, nothing I could have done differently that would have changed the situation. I realized I really had nothing to talk about.

Without it, there is nothing. I asked when I had been there for someone.

I love the fact that I found a job where I am appreciated for the hard worker that I am and not just slapped around like some kind of idiot or something.

Corybantic ennui

2008-02-06T14:10:00.000Z

Are you sick of feeling so left out? I used to overwhelm people by trying to get them to try things MY WAY and feeling rejected if they didn't. Like I said up there, I want to know as much as possible how she's feeling, and I want to give her the same. Of people I consider my enemies? I finally feel like I have some sort of a home. Most people just think I'm being sarcastic when I come off cocky to them... that's ok. Did that really just happen? I'm not sure why but I think I'm afraid.

Per formal

2008-02-03T15:54:00.000Z

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be!! REPOST with name of high school and graduating year! 1. Did you date someone from your school? Not my senior year, although I'm sure I hooked up with some that year. 2. Did you win anything in Senior's Who's Who? Nope. None of the seven dwarfs reminded anyone of me 3. What kind of car did you drive? 98 oldsmobile intrigue. Gertie is still running 4. It's Friday night...where r u? The lofts or somewhere with Emily and Katlin 5. Were you a party animal? You could say that. You'd have to ask someone who was there. 6. Were you considered a flirt? Most likely 7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Band! SPEED BUMP! why do I still remember that? 8. Were you a nerd? I was nerdy 9. Did you get suspended/expelled? Nope. I had detention from Mr. Howard though 10. Can you sing the fight song? I don't know if it has words 11. Who was your favorite Teacher? Dave. 12. Where did you sit during lunch? In the 8th grade wing with Bert Stanley 13.What was your school's full name? Goochland High School 14. School mascot? Bulldogs 15. Prom Queen? Prom King? I couldn't tell you. I don't even know if I stayed that long 16. If you could go back and do it again, would you? Certain days were fun and could be interesting to reexperience, but overall, no. 17. What do you remember most about graduation? My shoes, Emily's rose and the quote from TK about squeezing the juice out of life and how much Joel clifton laughed at that. 18. Where did you go senior skip day? Katlin and I went to the art museum and had a picnic 18 Were you in any clubs? Latin club, nhs, played sports. 19. have u gained some weight since then? ha...yeah 20. Who was your Senior prom date? Adams 21. Are you planning on going to your 10 year reunion? yeah. that'll be a pretty interesting day. 22. Who was your home room teacher? It was Mrs. Flaig one year, but since we never went to homeroom, I don't really remember. 23.Who will repost this? eh...? 24. Did you play any sport? Basketball 25. Do you still talk to people from school? Katlin, Samantha, and stay in touch through facebook for others.

Lumimies

2008-01-30T14:26:00.000Z

Six in the morning and i find myself in bed buried between thick yet insufficint layers of fabric. I feel ill and restless. I crave nothing more than to feel none of these pains the sharp stabbing ones i continue to get in my stomach. Sigh. I feel like straying away today. Toss this motherfucker of a phone aside and ignore everything that dares to be familiar. I hate having this technology anyway cause all it does is make me feel more disconnected from everyone. I wish i were strong enough to forgive myself and let go of the past few years. Im just not good at lying to myself. Truth is, Everything is not okay, I am disgusting and i will never be what you want me to be.

Shell of light

2008-01-27T12:55:00.000Z

kay hello.ive got alot of things running through my mind now.gahhhh. hmm lets see. 1. should i retake my chinese paper!!! 2. i think we need to talk. 3. whipped cream club! 4. bill gna *kaboooom* again! :( hmm.so im contemplating whether to retake chinese paper.cos obviously a b3 isnt good enough.yes im still unhappy over my b3.and yes i know its sth i cant change.but yeah.should i retake or not! ahhhhh.but i think if i wna retake,i'll have to drop hmt.ah how how how.luan lao shi ni wei she me hui qu zhong guo!!!!!!!!! :( whipped cream club shall have a monthly meetup for a dose of caramel frappe + whipped cream! pris and i are gna influence all the others to love whipped cream.hahaha.join the club and have a sugar rush till it screws your sleeps.hahaha. HELLO PPL.DONT SMS ME.DONT DONT DONT.CALL ME BEEP ME IF YOU WANT TO REACH ME. :) PLS SAVE PEILING FRM EXPLODING HER BILL.TYVM! the 'o lvls are coming in 9 mths time' stress is started to pile on.everyone also wna score 6 points! omgzzzzzzz. steven is an ultra lame boy.srsly.he can just anyhow insert song titles into his sentence and yet the sentences make sense! haha eugene also! omg man.all the talk abt aids,suicide bombing,geylang.hahaha ultra funny la!no wonder eugene never fails to cheer someone up :) okay lets hope this week will be a much much much better week! :)

Krudina

2008-01-24T16:10:00.000Z

But with the Zonagran I have only had 3 headaches in two and a half months. And dont let the evil back in.

I've been thinking about things I want to post, and I might get back into the habit. Oh and I'm glad you agree about the last name thing. I've talked about them before, right?

I am perplexed as to why I am highly attracted to those guys who don't know how to treat me right.

And somehow, regardless of how crazy it all seemed to the people who came into contact with him, it certainly made them smile. Ever get a song off of Kazaa and it sounds fine for the first 10 seconds so you burn it to a cd only to find out later that the song is full of garble that sounds like aliens talking? I only hope my money helps purchase another fine film for their collection, but most likely it will pay some student employee's salary for a few hours of sitting at a desk behind the counter and doing homework.

Since the idiot student employee didn't say anything about the due date when she checked it out for me I didn't know how long I had it for. If anyone asked me what I was up to or anything, I'd have had something to talk about.

Miami

2008-01-20T17:09:00.000Z

I suppose ill just go back to meh country well my other country, no one will miss me neways and maybe i can i donno, travel all over the country! I can tell you, that was a very interesting position to be in and one that I hope I do not experience again.

And also, I re-evaluated my position on Sars. I thought about that on the short walk to my sisters. That was pretty much the last we thought about it until my mother died and my sister had the teddy bears made. The seams had begun to loosen as well, and finally, one day, my mother put it in the back of the coat closet in the hallway next to the front door. Sure, I could still for fork out $90 to go to the Field Day Festival in New York next Saturday, but... Y100 had to ask where the title of the first album came from. The man went over to the other car and uncovered a white 1966 ford mustang. He met a man named Richard who told him that he had a mustang he was working on and would be more than willing to sell it to him. Only to realize that all of the work you did yesterday didn't save in the stupid #@$!!@# program you were working in yesterday and you have to start all over again!

Electronic meditations

2008-01-16T15:39:00.000Z

should have posted this monday evening but I didn't. So I'll tell you what is going on. After lunch, I went to my Marriage and Family class. I have a little Chinese guy as a teacher. One thing I learned was that Chinese last names are one syllable and Japanese last names are more than one. Then I went home, played Katamari for a while, ate dinner, and went to my English class. I was wrong. The teacher I had before did get the literature finished quickly, but he's going to take his time with this English class. So that means I won't be able to go to the church after it's over, it'll be too late. :( But I did finish Air and Gunslinger Girl and now I'm ready to start a new series. Tuesday I didn't do anything. Really. Today is now Wednesday. I drove to school and got to my first class. It's the second day of school and the teacher assigns extra credit. I think I should do it, it's not that hard and it might be fun. I have to find an article related to child psychology and find some interesting facts from it and explain why they are interesting. Then he let's the class out early so that's why I'm able to type up this blog. His voice wasn't so good today. I went to go get some breakfast in the cafeteria. The guy that works in there was real grumpy. I hope he's feeling better at lunch time. On Monday when I went on my Carbondale adventure, I saw a magazine at Barnes and Noble called Newtype. I'd seen it countless times before and it usually comes with a dvd I think. I really want the dvd that comes with this issue. It has the first ep of Kanon. My friend Dimitri told me that's a good show so I'm really tempted to get it. I told my friend about it and he says go for it. The magazine costs like $12. Also it will be the last issue of Newtype. They are ceasing publication. So it would be kind of neat to have the last issue. Why do I post this blog? I've been wondering myself. I don't think anyone is actually reading it yet and I have only told one person about it. I think the reason is so that in a year from now, I can come back and look at what I was doing around this time.

Go chase go

2008-01-13T14:36:00.000Z

Went over Lydia and Vicky's last night for Vicky's Ann Summers party ^_^ was lots of fun lol plays games and such was very amusing. I went around town during the day and gave me cv into a few places, mainly shoe shops lol. Went to the pub and met Tim etc and watched Tramps like us :) Was really good, and my friend Jay was playing too which was cool. Hannah told me that Andrew is all upset :/ Tim came back to Waterside with me and some friends lol and we sat in Jacob's flat and played on guitars and sang songs like you do lol, Tim came to see my room and left his guitar here before going home. Im going over Lydia's tonight ^_^ funness

Concept

2008-01-09T16:24:00.000Z

I'll do that for the rest of the weekend if you'll flare DOWN.

But I'm even more excited that you're back. I was hoping that I could get the link to work but I obviously screwed something up so I guess you'll have to cut and paste. If you go on the links and hover, the link goes backwards. Speaking of the three eyed smiley face, I was hoping you'd respond the way you did, if you did at all. And speaking of leagues, I miss baseball - I suppose you're tired of hearing that, just as I'm near tired of saying it... it's hard to have faith right now. Oh, and speaking of pet food, remember that scene in Encino Man when Link gets down on the floor and starts eating out the dog's bowl? Maybe part of my craziness is that I stopped consistently journaling, I just don't have time...

On the run

2008-01-05T16:04:00.000Z

I never have anything interesting to report any more! I'm trying to get a few people together to go dog racing as a joint birthday do for me and Laurie. I've wanted to go back since the last time as I really enjoyed it and this seemed like a really good excuse! Plus Laurie is 20 weeks pregnant so bless her didnt think she would want to go somewhere and watch everone getting drunk around her. She's really excited about it. I've got a couple of mate roped in and on monday it'll be time to invite work people. Thankfully with it being in Peterborough and not Spalding we should only get friends going rather than those who go for the sake of gossiping the following week. On the bright side though Leanne is interested in coming and we lost touch for a bit so that'll be good. Don't really know what happened but she apologised for not being in touch and has never tried to screw me over with anything so can't refuse!! Bless her we used to have loads of fun so here is hoping she can make it. Been livinh in Peterborough a full 6 months now - all this time has flown by hardly feels like a month let along 6! Still liking it though, we dont tend to go out that much anymore so I guess its not that important that we're so close to the city. Its nice though if we want anything or just fancy a walk or something. Still haven't put anymore pics on my website - must remember to do that soon. I've already forgotten how. But there are a couple of pics still from the works party and some diving pics from holiday that I want to put on (even though I look like I'm pooing myself!).

Nalkalaulu

2007-12-30T14:39:00.000Z

Oops, that user doesn't have their notes feature turned on! Oops, that user doesn't have their notes feature turned on! I have been at my aunt's house and she doesn't have a computer but now I'm at my Nana's house, where I'm staying the rest of my vacation!

My best-friend/honourary sister is moved into her and her beau's new house and wants me to come over later today.

The problem with having to leave the house this early in the morning, to begin your one mile trek to your ride to work/watcher of your hyperactive child's house, is that it is still dark out.

Flesh that walks

2007-12-26T18:06:00.001Z

I'm guessing I did worse that that, though. And I knew that the moment I put my test on the teacher's desk. It took me almost an hour though to do so I am afraid that my Math class will never see the liberty spikes Why you ask?

I did accomplish a lot that I couldn't have finished if he was here today, though, so I guess that may've been a good thing.

She did point out that Set attacked Horus not out of lust, but because he wanted to show his power over his nephew-where was she avoiding the symbolic aspects of the mythology?

Some days it's a pity that I don't utilize this to everyone else's benefit, but I know that it's something I would later regret.

If I were over there, I would want to know that my friends and family were thinking of me every day, you know?

It takes a freak

2007-12-23T13:19:00.001Z

Shit, it was really bad. It was so cute.

It was good. I miss the good old days when I could ride the vulcan and my parents didn't know about it, i could do what i wanted when i wanted because i earned it and I didn't give into my emotional side as much. What is Love? What if you are with someone that you believe is the one to marry. What is the biggest cock you have seen and whose was it?

Of course as our luck would have it Sunday night we stopped by my parents house and when we were going to leave our car wouldnt start, so we just left it there and took my moms car. Stop trying to help, as much as i love you, its never going to help, your never going to help.

But we help each other out.

It's way too much to summarize because we've missed out on two years of each others' lives.

Isolate

2007-12-20T16:04:00.000Z

Ive always figured that I would eventually get married, have kids, retire, and have grandchildren someday. From what I understand, you have to consider another person in almost every decision, you have to make some compromises, and Ill have to throw away my green recliner and my t-shirt that says let the fucking begin.

I have an insatiable urge to imitate oriental porcelain. Partly what Im thinking is that if I tell where Id like to go and apply and then dont get in, I will have to tell that part too and then of course I will die of embarrassment.

I always go by the theory that if they can cheat on someone else, then if I got together with them they'd be likely to cheat on me. So I didnt I stayed up and continued to dwell on all the shit that I shouldnt dwell on. For most of my adult life I have challenged the way people think, and for most of my life, I have had to suffer some heavy scrutiny for having those thoughts and ideals

Dada X

2007-12-16T15:40:00.000Z

It's almost been 2 years since I wrote for the newspaper, and I don't have any other real solid writing experience.

They all want more experience. Ever since I heard about this, I've wanted one, so I left work the other morning and drove to Starbucks just to order it. Why not stick around to see how it all turns out? But I think this girl rocks so much for telling Alice to get off his lap.. hehe how awesome are you Jess??!

So how is this YOU telling HER that you need help, or want help, or whatever you said?

Ellipses

2007-12-09T16:28:00.000Z

Michael Corleone owns your socks. Do I have to? RESIDENT EVIL DAYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy n they day i get to see my michael phelps pics!!!:] cheez!!!!

Maybe they could throw in a couple of murderers too, to spice it up. She is still not out of the woods, so keep it up! I have work today and I'm still gonna engrave our names into the heart at work. That was the only good part about that dream, and I got mad at the people in the actual dream for waking me from it. The one bright point is that these countries like Americans as people. Its totally NOT a death trap like the last one. You are one of the rare, the few, the proud, funny people that have the ability to make me die laughing. During the rainy season, the streets fill with water and people get around by canoe. Search the body and theirs no hole.... I die every night, i wake up reanimated, and sometime during the day my mind's refreshed into what i used to know and maybe i'll look back, and a smile will be forced from my face of what could be a horrible life but is kept together with a strong will... I feel, so, so whats the word... ah yes annoyed with people who think that i am something that i'm not when i barely even know them.

Land of delusion

2007-12-05T16:15:00.000Z

Justin Timberlake's performances were during the second half of the concert, which kinda pissed me off.

And then when I read Microserfs, it talked about that weird feeling you get when you repeat a word enough times, which was cool, because I didn't know other people had that experience. Which Kim Possible character are YOU?

Which 'Get Fuzzy' Character Are You?

Transport

2007-12-02T15:44:00.000Z

When you enter the realm of an American corporation, whether in person or by phone or by Internet, think of it as entering Bizzaro World.

Super Bowl or World Series? You are a super smart and super cool chica. Even though I now cannot buy things I need like socks and shoes that are not destroyed and a hooded sweatshirt that is not unravelling and thin, little Humbert Humbert, provided he lives, was worth it.

I also know that even though I'm totally and completely scared now, by next fall things will be different.

And I know by that time, I will have something different going on for me too, but I fear that I will not forget. I was told i bird walk, it means like, talking about something, going off on a tangent and talking about something completely different, then going back to what i was talking about before like i havent been ranting about something else for the last 5 minutes.

Awesome

2007-11-25T13:52:00.001Z

I've been very excited over the past few days about eating turkey again. Everything tastes so different going from a vegetarian to omnivore. Meat is definitely more flavorful when you haven't had it for awhile. I told my mom that I was going to Mile's places over Thankgsiving weekend and she immediately assumed he was a female friend whose name was "Mile" minus the "s". Having Chinese parents definitely has its quirks. I figured it would be best to tell them about him before their arrival on Thursday, but after the third try of trying to explain who he was, I gave up and played along. I visited Great Barrington, MA a town very close to the NY state border. The town is a little like Amherst or Northampton, but nicer and classier. You've got to love a place with tons of coffee shops and Chinese restaurants. Yeah! I met Mile's parents, who are very awesome people who happen to have all sorts of animals: dogs, horses, sheep... It's a nice change to go over to a family's house and sit down around a table to have a home-cooked meal. Mmm...

Plainsong

2007-11-18T18:23:00.000Z

Our relationship was something I valued beyond any other, but it was getting ridiculous. Time and time again, when I looked at myself, I saw how weak I was. How crippled I had become, how much I had my head down, with my gaze always staring at the floor. I pretty much fucked myself over, and become someone I didn't want to be. I want to be a woman that can walk on her own, who can depend only on herself, and be the person that others can depend on, too. I want to glide with an aura that is strong, beautiful, and most of all, filled with confidence. Don't want to be jealous or insecure (when did I become that sort of person?), and I don't want to forever rely on him to be there for me (always waiting for his phone calls, always wanting to be with him.). And really, the relationship we had hurt a lot, even though I stopped complaining and sucked it up. And really, I wanted to be treated better. I'm taking it that karma's coming back and biting me in the ass, and knowing that, it makes me shut up and let him treat me the way he did. But to say it now, this sort of relationship wouldn't have lasted anyway, with how many times he made me feel like shit, or with all the trifling arguments we had (on my part). We had become unhappy, and what was the purpose of walking down that path that was filled with storms? Yeah, I love him, dearly, and I do want a relationship with him, but not right now. Don't want a relationship when we can't be happy with each other, when we have more bad times than good, when one or the other brings the rain when we only want the warm rays of the sun. My heart will always be with him, he will always have the key to it, but right now he doesn't want it and I don't want to give him the lock either. I need to change. I need time. I want to become a woman that can hold her chin high. Right now, I just want to be with him and enjoy his company. As it takes two to work a relationship out, I know that my share wasn't pleasant, and the flaws of mine that had caused me to act the way I did towards him have to change. Like he said, I'm still childish, but before, I had lost my passion to prove anyone wrong, anymore. I let myself become a pushover, and let myself get walked on. It's time to change, and to hold my ground. I'm a phoenix, and I've already been gone, dead, and born again. It's time that I fly, to walk on my own, and become a woman. I'm glad that I was able to love my first with a passion. Glad that my feelings for him was as strong as they were since the beginning.

Transplants

2007-11-06T14:57:00.000Z

Then after that, we watched a great, magnificant slide show on Habitat. After her Dad parked the car, we put on our backpacks and began hiking to where we would be sending the next four days, camping, swimming and fishing.

There was a film class, where you watched a film. There was a lot mental garbage that I wanted to dump out and blogging is cheaper and less awkward than therapy.

I actually wanted to go to a big flea market tomorrow which takes place every saturday, but I didnt find anyone to come with me.

Trash all that and go with a spoof that someone wrote without being asked to write.

It made me not want to have kids and I know that's mean to say but honestablished is supposed to be a good thing right?

She just fucking hates me, and to be honestablished I don't really care. It makes me glad that you saw that and responded to it. So is this what Im supposed to be learning? Tony insisted that we come and bring a side dish, so we decided to even though we didn't really know anyone except for him.

I didn't really talk to him til the night he asked me to model for his life-painting final. It all happened so fast and I didn't know what to do

Revelation

2007-11-03T16:43:00.000Z

Paradox_Music-Nucleus_and_Paradox_vs_Kirsty_Hawkshaw-PM015-VINYL-2007 Outsider-Insight_and_ASC-OUTSIDER018-Vinyl-2007 Fokuz-Mutt_and_Aperture-FOKUZ030-VINYL-2007 Counter_Intelligence-Dissident_vs_Fracture_and_Neptune-CI008-VINYL-2007 Allsorts-Electrosoul_System-ALLSORTS004-VINYL-2007 Scientific_Wax-Sabre_and_Jubei-SW005-VINYL-2007 Beta_2_and_Zero_Tolerance-Prodigal_EP-BB1225-VINYL-2007 The_Upbeats_feat_Teknik_vs_Duo_Infernale-Archive_Four-SOULR030-VINYL-2007 Social_Studies-Mathematics-SOSTUD014-VINYL-2007 Marcus_Intalex_vs_The_Invaderz-Archive_Two-SOULR028-VINYL-2007 Deep_Soul_Music-Lynx-DSM003-VINYL-2007 Darkestral-Jonny_L_vs_Instramental-DARKESTRAL002-VINYL-2007 VA-Chronicles_Of_The_Deep_The_Prologue_LP_Sampler-FOKUZLP003S-VINYL-2007 The_Upbeats-Nobody's_Out_There-BT002CD-2007 VA-Zinc-Watch_The_Ride-HURTCD073-2007 VA-DJ_Marky_and_Friends_present_The_Master_Plan-INN023CD-2CD-2007 VA-Infinite_In_All_Directions_Mixed_by_The_Insiders-NUCD004-2007 VA-V_Records_presents_Retrospect-VCYCD001-PROMO-2CD-2007 (remember the days!)

Mental overdrive

2007-10-31T17:00:00.000Z

A strangled smile fell from your face It kills me that I hurt you this way The worst part is that I didn't even know Now there's a million reasons for you to go But if you can find a reason to stay I'll do whatever it takes To turn this around I know what's at stake I know that I've let you down And if you give me a chance Believe that I can change I'll keep us together, whatever it takes She said "If we're gonna make this work You gotta let me inside even though it hurts Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see" She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me" I'll do whatever it takes To turn this around I know what's at stake I know that I've let you down And if you give me a chance And give me a break I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better But remember the time I told you the way that I felt That I'd be lost without you and never find myself Let's hold onto each other above everything else Start over, start over I'll do whatever it takes To turn this around I know what's at stake I know I've let you down And if you give me a chance and believe that I can change I'll keep us together whatever it takes

Light

2007-10-25T17:02:00.000+01:00

This week has been nuts. I had 2 bad days followed by 2 good days. I'm so excited because Yesterday Sgt. Hensley called me and let me know that I got the still photography job and I leave in February. I had just put in my new requests the day before, so they really put me on the priority list and got me the job extremely fast. THEN I got to go and hang out with my grandma. I love her so much, and I spent the entire day over at her house. We made my poodle skirt, which is incredibly cute, and then I had dinner with her and my Aunt Vikki. It's so weird because I feel more comfortable talking to my Grandma about things than I do with my mom. I told her about the Air Force, and about Kyle, and she seems so happy and proud of me. When I first told her about Kyle she said "well, it's about time." Then she said "I can't wait to meet him, because if a guy can make your face light up that much then he has to be something special." My Grandma makes me feel so good. She also said that I am the achiever of the family. lol... I don't know about that, but I like to do well, so maybe she is right. All I know is I love my Grandma.